Fear of changes...!

Why do I feel like, I am close to no body. Hiding even the tiniest emotions and thoughts from everybody. Independence, no boundation, no stings, no back links, like completely alone in a whole crowd, like a stranger in a town fair, faces of different colors, people of different types, but I don't know them, or avoiding them, or ignoring them. What has happened to me. I hadn't wanted to end up like the way I have become.

Yes, change is the need and law of the world, with time every thing changes, but I am not even having control over myself, the way I have evolved. Alone, aloof, and the worst part is I don't want to change myself, even knowing that this is drowning me inside.

Perhaps I have lost faith on myself, and there is no one else to blame for. Life is not bed of roses and every body don't get what he wants. And we have to compromise and have to learn to be happy in what we have got. And we must learn to appreciate the little things we got, and be happy in that.

But I am too greedy, business mind person. I want every thing in my life perfect, which can't be achieved otherwise.

And I have nothing to say, share, discuss with people, even close to me, like complete void in my mind, blankness, nothing is there, totally black, and I hate it to show them how alone I feel inside. A constant feeling of failure haunts me, like I am underachiever or something.

I know I need to relax myself, I should open myself, I have to change myself, But I fear the changes.

May be some day I will, but when I don't know !!!

may be she does exits some where, may be she doesn't.

After so much time i am compelled to write.
I don't want to, but i have no option.
i was busy, very busy, a goal was keeping me occupied, and that is over. all my MBA interviews are over.
And all i have with me is an emptiness, like i don't have any thing else to do. it's time to get relaxed after so much hectic time, office, target from office, study, preparing for interview, then running Kolkata and Mumbai for  interviews. and it's over. 10th April, last interview of season, Nitie Mumbai is over.
Most of them i have screwed.
hope, it has left me. aise bhi having no hope is better than having hope. 
it doesn't disappoint us.
But i am afraid. what if i don't convert any of good call.
Does it matter so much.
come on, nothing is so much important in life.
Destiny must have thought something good for me.
Something good, may be in future.
Suddenly i feel so alone.


i go out side.
i run.
i run after at least 4-5 month.
no physical activities from nearly 4-5 months.
i feel exhausted. 
i feel very bad.
i need  to work out.
i am out of form.
i run faster.
i breathe faster.
i stop.
i sat on the ground.
i see the flood light.
i feel good.
i am tired.
my face is red.
but i feel good.
i feel lightness.
i need a long term goal to keep me occupied.
i need a passion to keep me fascinated.
i need an addiction to keep me out of thought.


may be i need some one in my life badly.
some one, who is  close  to my heart.
some one, who can like me, in spite of all my flaws.
some one, whose smile get me forget all my worries.
i think i am being insane.
or i am too much occupied in my thoughts.
may be may be not.
may be she does exits some where,
may be she doesn't.
may be she is just my imagination.
may be i am too ideal for this world.
may be i am just a lost writer,
just a poet,
just a alone person.
may be,
may be not.