Fear of changes...!

Why do I feel like, I am close to no body. Hiding even the tiniest emotions and thoughts from everybody. Independence, no boundation, no stings, no back links, like completely alone in a whole crowd, like a stranger in a town fair, faces of different colors, people of different types, but I don't know them, or avoiding them, or ignoring them. What has happened to me. I hadn't wanted to end up like the way I have become.

Yes, change is the need and law of the world, with time every thing changes, but I am not even having control over myself, the way I have evolved. Alone, aloof, and the worst part is I don't want to change myself, even knowing that this is drowning me inside.

Perhaps I have lost faith on myself, and there is no one else to blame for. Life is not bed of roses and every body don't get what he wants. And we have to compromise and have to learn to be happy in what we have got. And we must learn to appreciate the little things we got, and be happy in that.

But I am too greedy, business mind person. I want every thing in my life perfect, which can't be achieved otherwise.

And I have nothing to say, share, discuss with people, even close to me, like complete void in my mind, blankness, nothing is there, totally black, and I hate it to show them how alone I feel inside. A constant feeling of failure haunts me, like I am underachiever or something.

I know I need to relax myself, I should open myself, I have to change myself, But I fear the changes.

May be some day I will, but when I don't know !!!

आखिर मुद्दतों के बाद तुम्हे भूला ही तो दिया है मैंने..!

आखिर मुद्दतों के बाद तुम्हे भूला ही तो दिया है मैंने,

और दिल के अरमानों को दिल ही दिल में सुला ही तो दिया है मैंने।

Hindi Poem: "Teri Yaad" written & recited by me...!

A very emotional poem written and recited by me. 

Hope you will like it.

 I hope some day, some how this will reach to her....!

अब भी तेरी यादें  मेरे दिल से जाती नहीं हैं ,

अब भी तेरी बातें मुझे दिलों-जां से याद आती हीं क्यों  हैं,

अब भी तेरी आँखो की गहराइयों में डूब जाने को दिल करता है,

अब भी तेरा चेहरा मेरी नज़रों से ओझल होता ही नहीं है।

हाँ, अब भी तुझे चाहने की वेबकूफीया मैं दिन में सौ बार करता हूँ।

हाँ, अब भी तेरी यादें  मेरे दिल से जाती नहीं हैं ,

हाँ,  अब भी तेरी बातें मुझे दिलों-जां से याद आती हीं क्यों  हैं,

हाँ , अब भी तेरी आँखो की गहराइयों में डूब जाने को दिल करता है,

हाँ, अब भी तेरा चेहरा मेरी नज़रों से ओझल होता ही नहीं है।

हाँ, अब भी दिल झूठी तस्सली देता है, की तुम भी मुझे याद करती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी कभी भूल से ही सही, कभी मेरा नाम लेती तो होगी, 

हाँ,  अब भी कभी मेरे पागलपन को तुम सहेलियों में बतियाती तो होगी,

हाँ , अब भी कभी वो पेड़ के नीचे सीमेंट का बेंच तुम्हे मेरी कमी का एहसास दिलाता तो होगा। 

 हाँ , अब भी तुम डाँस क्लास के बाद उसी रास्ते से   हॉस्टल तक आती तो होगी,

हाँ , अब भी तुम उस रास्ते के फ्रूट शॉप वाले भैया से दाम कम करवाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी तुम चाट वाले से तीखा चाट खा कर, आंसू की धारा बहाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी तुम वो रास्ते के मंदिर पे रुक कर, आँखे बंद कर सर झुकाती तो होगी।

हाँ, अब  भी हॉस्टल के छत पे तुम तारों भरी रात में जाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी तुम  उन तारों से मेरी नादानियाँ  बतियाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी चाँद तेरी खूबसूरती से शरमा  कर बादलों की ओट में छुपता तो होगा,

हाँ , अब भी हवा तेरे जुल्फों को मंद मंद सहलाती तो होगी। 

हाँ, अब भी तुम अकेले में अपने किताबो को खोल कर मेरे पत्रो को पाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी तुम मेरे बेनामी प्रेम पत्रों को अपने सखियों को पढ़ाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी उन्हें पढ़ कर, तुम होंठो की हँसी को दांतों तले दबाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी मेरा इजहारे मुहब्बत तुम्हारे दिल की धड़कनों की रफ़्तार बढाती तो होंगी।

हाँ, अब भी मैं तुम्हे छूप कर उस रास्ते से जाते देखता ही तो हूँ,

हाँ, अब भी मैं तुम्हे फिर से अपने बांहों में भरने को तड़पता ही तो हूँ,

हाँ, अब भी मै आँखे बंद कर तुम्हे अपने पास ही पाता ही तो  हूँ,

हाँ, अब भी तेरी जुल्फों की घनी छाँव में सोने को ललचाता ही तो हूँ। 

हाँ, क्यों वक़्त ने दूरियों का रेगिस्तान बिछा डाला हमारे प्यार की सुनहरी बगिया में ,

हाँ, क्यों तुमने भी जाने कौन सी मज़बूरियों में अपनी राहें अलग बना डाली ,

हाँ, क्यों मैं भी लाख चाह कर भी रोक ना सका तुम्हे जाने से,

हाँ, फिर क्यों आज भी मैं तेरी हर छोटी सी याद दिल की गहराइयों में संजोये बैठा हूँ। 

हाँ, क्यों किताबो में भी तेरा चेहरा मुझे नज़र आता क्यों है,

हाँ, क्यों अब भी तेरी तस्वीर  मैं बनाता ही क्यों हूँ,

हाँ , क्यों दीवारो को उन तस्वीरों से मैं सजाता क्यों हूँ,

हाँ, क्यों तेरी उन तस्वीरों  से घंटो तेरे बारे में ही मैं बतियाता क्यों हूँ। 

हाँ, शायद वक़्त ने कुछ खेल ही तो खेला है मेरे साथ में,

हाँ, शायद दुनिया की नज़र ही तो लग गयी हमारे प्यार में,

हाँ, शायद तेरी याद मुझे उतने शिद्दत से अब तड़पाती नहीं हैं,

हाँ शायद  मैं भी पत्थर सा बनता ही जा रहा हूँ धीरे -धीरे से। 

हाँ, बड़ी कोशिश करता हूँ तेरे सामने ना आने की,

हाँ, खुद से भी झगड़ता हूँ तुझसे गिले ना करने की,

हाँ, बड़ी कोशिश करता हूँ तेरी हर एक बात भूलाने की,

हाँ, खुद को ही सजा देता हूँ हर दिन थोड़ा थोड़ा मर के जीने की । 

हाँ, कह भी नहीं सकता सामने तेरे आकर ही ,

हाँ, रह भी नहीं सकता तुम्हे एक नज़र दूर से देखे बिना ही,

हाँ, कोशिश भी करता हूँ तुम्हे भूल जाने की,

हाँ, फिर भी तुम मेरी यादों से कभी एक पल को जाती नहीं हो। 

हाँ, पागल था, हूँ, या हो गया हूँ, कौन जाने,

हाँ, दीवाना था, हूँ या हो गया हूँ, कौन जाने ,

हाँ, तुम पे मरता था,या अब भी मरता हूँ कौन जाने,

हाँ, तुम्हे चाहता था, या अब भी चाहता हूँ कौन जाने। 

वक़्त ने भर दी है  कड़वाहट सी जिंदगी में,

कुछ भी अच्छा लगता ही नहीं है, बगैर तेरे जीने में,

कोशिश भी करता हूँ खुद को व्यस्त रखने में,

फिर भी  तेरे जाने का गम ख़त्म होता नहीं है सीने में। 

हाँ, अब भी मैं नादान दिल को दिलासायें देता हूँ,

हाँ, अब भी तेरे वापस  लौटने की राहें देखता हूँ।

हाँ, अब भी सपनो में मैं तुझे ही पाता ही हूँ,

हाँ, अब भी तुझे चाहने की वेबकूफीया मैं दिन में सौ बार करता हूँ। 

क्युंकि, तुम्हे, बस तुम्हे,

हर पल हर लम्हा, 

मैं प्यार करता हूँ,

हाँ, प्यार करता हूँ।

-V. P. "नादान" 

    

  

 

    

  

चाह....!!

प्यार के समन्दर  चाह नहीं थी मुझे,

प्यार का एक बूँद तो बरसा दिया होता। 

जीवन भर का साथ  सकी, ना ही सही,

दो  पल सच्चे दिल से चाह तो लिया होता। 

इन आँखों की खामोशियों में.......!!!

इन आँखों की खामोशियों में भी कई गहरे राज छूपे हैं,

इन धडकनों के सन्नाटों  में कई कराहते आवाज छूपे हैं। 

जाना ही था तुम्हे,  सोचा होता जो पहले कभी,

तो ये उदासियों का  अँधेरा ना छाया होता मेरे खुशियों के उजालों  पे।

पर शायद  तुम्से किसी मोड़ पर टकराना लिखा था तक़दीर ने,

और  किसी दिन किसी कलम से यूँ  ही अधूरा लिख छोड़ा था,

या  बैठे  बैठे दिल्लगी करने को शायद मैं ही मिला था। 

जिंदगी इस कदर कड़वाहटों से भर जाएगी,

सोचा ना था,

 तेरी तन्हाई मौत से  बदतर हो जाएगी,

जाना ना था,

ना जीते हैं, ना मरते हैं,

बस पल-पल यूँ  तुम्हे याद किया करते हैं। 

चाहता तो हूँ, चीख-चीख कर लूँ  नाम तेरा,

जोरों से पुकारूं, जब तक सुन कर  तुम आ ना जाओ,

पर फिर उन  आवाजों को दिल की गहराइयों में दफ़न कर देता हूँ,

और  यादों को यादों  में  ही खत्म किये देता हूँ। 

कभी सोचा था,  लिखेंगे हम अपनी प्रेम-कहानी  अजर-अमर ,

पर   बनाया था घरौंदा प्यार का, समंदर के तट पर,

एक  लहर आई और नामों- निशाँ ही मिट गया मेरे  संसार का,

कोशिश भी की अथक, क़तरा-क़तरा सम्भाला भी,

पर  आख़िर होश आया, ना तुम थे, ना प्यार का वो अपना घरौंदा ही था कहीं। 

बस था अकेला खड़ा मैं, चट्टानों के बीच  में,

लहरें आती-जाती छूती रहीं पाँवों में,

और थपेड़े बिखरती रहीं  टकरा कर चट्टानों में,

वक़्त भी  बीतता चला रहा बस अपनी ही धून में। 

बस ठहरा रह गया मैं,

शायद  तेरी याद में,

शायद  तेरी आवाज़  में, 

शायद  तेरे इंतज़ार में, 

या शायद .............  !!!! 

- V.P. "नादान"

दिंनाक-१६.०९.२०१४  

 

 

who, I'm, a day dreamer..?????

 I was forcing myself very hard to listen to the teacher. I heard, he is explaining the working process of thermal power plant. Suddenly my eyes changed their direction from board to her, I was seeing her sideway, one lat of hair was coming again and again on her face, disturbing her. she was tucking it behind her ears and I was trying to hide my smile at the dare of her lat, who was having one work, to come in front of her face.

I saw, she is listening very attentively and was noting down in her note book, so beautiful handwriting!!

Pen was dancing in her soft fair hand with some bangles, creating a very slow rhythm

                                                      "music with writing"

                                                       "or musical writing"

                                                       "or magical writing"

I wished, I had been her pen, at least I would be in her soft hand. 

I observed her nails coloured with pink nail polish, pink bangles. 

I opened back side of my note book and began to draw her book, her pen, her beautiful soft hand…~and her ..lips ans her face!!!

Suddenly teacher shouted, “Where are you”.

I became attentive, thank god!!

He was shouting at Rajesh gupta, who is always busy in messaging her so many gfs, in class he messages, and out of class, his mobile is always at his ear, and whole day he talks, what, god knows, and he too has so many things to talk to them….!

I saw, she stopped, she stopped writing for a while, teacher was telling the need of ID fan for the poweplant, and she was listening very attentively. 

She does every work full heartily, may be its dance, study, or anything.

I saw,pen was going beyond his limit, he touched her pinkish lips and I can still observe how lucky he is, getting mark of her lipstick on his shining metal cap.

I breathed out, I am jealous to the fate of the pen, which becomes happy, laughs at me, and sometimes touches her lips too.

I wrote a caption below the sketch I made today:

I wished I had been “U”

Holding her b’ful hand,

Smiling, dancing,

At her command,

Yes! I am jealous!

I’m jealous at “U”

I sigh, wen I see “U”

Kissing her lips,

Pinky, rosy n thin.

I wished, I had been “U” Pen!!

 Doubt alias shivam gupta, who has doubt in everything, and who arises question everywhere, was sitting behind my chair, took my notebook, saw it for ten seconds and then said, “ wow! Pic and caption both are amazing”.

I took a relieving breath.

“but, I have a doubt”

“doubt and his limitless doubt, don’t eat my head”

“are you saying something?”

“no! u were saying”

“ohh! I have a doubt, who is she?”

“just an imagination”, I lied.

Then my notebook moved in to whole class room, from one hand to another, then finally to the other side of rows of chairs and then second row, where she is sitting along with other girls.

I saw, Swetha has taken my copy and showing her, she gazed at the sketch continuously, then looked at me, I was caught, I at once looked toward the board, then I saw towards her again like a thief.

“ufff!! They were looking towards me”

Swetha smiled. I saw she is still looking at me.

“has she realized, it’s her sketch, n lines…..!”

Then at the end of the class, I got out and like all day I was the last, behind everybody, walking alone.

I was thinking, “What she had been thinking about me after reading lines, she may have been happy, may be not, but her pinky rosy thin lips, and I couldn’t help me but smile.

"Vikki, wait!"

“ohhh! It was Swetha with her and they are coming towards me……my heart began to beat faster!

Is she angry?

Is she going to shout at me?

Swetha came near and then we three were walking together.

Swetha asked, “who I she, in today’s sketch”

“Just an imagination”, I told.

“Ohhho! really mere an imagination?” Swetha asked again.

"yes", i told,"don't you belive this"

What I should tell her…!when she knows it's her friend or my sweet heart's sketch.

I saw her, but there was no any reaction on her face, no change and this Swetha is teasing me continuously.

Ask her friend and tease her, why me…!

She asked for my note book and 1^st time she closely observed all my sketches.

And first time, she praised me.

“U make very b’ful sketches”

“but not b’ful as u”, slip of tongue, "ohhhh!! god!!"

But she smiled.

And I smiled too.

 And we were in front of my hostel, and I have to go to my hostel.

She waved her hand and said byeee…..!

I waved my hand too…..!

Today I became very happy. She responded to me, she talked with me after so many days and praised me.

I went to mess and in excitement I ate very less and came back to my room.

And I was smiling. I was happy.

I opened my notebook and again reiterated that poem” pinky, rosy and thin”

She is really b’ful and I love her, may be some day she will also love me….!

I smiled and thought, “That day will be the best day of my life when she will accept that she loves me also”

Dreams and human being!!!! he lives in dreams and try to chase up them, and so am I, chasing her, after all she is my dream, she is my dream girl, and I am enjoying  this all experiences of my life. I am sketching pictures and destiny is also making my life colourful and this shade of life is amazing, thinking about her, smiling at her response, looking, what she has dressed up today and how b’ful she is looking today.

"She comes in my thought,

And smiles comes on my lips,

She comes in front of me,

And my heart wants,

To See her always"

Am i day dreamer.....!!!!!

Look at me, Look at me once plz...with ur smiling face, i m dying to see that..!!!

She is listening attentively and I am watching her through the corner of my eyes.

I see the whole class, is someone watching me, looking at her? But everyone is busy in their own business.

I see people, some listening whole heartily to the teacher, some playing games on their mobile, some doing internet, some reading magazine and materials of CAT, IAS and many more. 

I should have do the same, but what I am doing? I try to listen to the teacher, and understand the reason of tube leakage and starvation inside the boiler, but hardly 2 minute and my heart, my mind, my body do revolt against me. My eyes deny my command of not looking towards her, my mind denies my command of not thinking about her, and again I am staring at her.

I am helpless. Three days have been passed and I have not got a single chance to talk to her, sometime I think, why I can’t able to talk to her, why I become silent, like she makes my mind blank and I am lost in her speaking eyes somewhere, why my heartbeat become fast, when she is nearby me and I begin to fight with myself.

She talks to Radhika and smiles and there is dimple in her cheeks. 

I got reason for my smile, she smiles and I smile, she looks so lovely, so cute, so innocent. when she smile, it’s like thousands of flowers are blossoming everywhere, it’s like hundreds of cuckoos are singing altogether, it’s like heaven is coming on the earth along with my angel, who is as innocent as a newly born child, and is as beautiful as a goddess of love.

I thought, someday she will smile for me, she will look at me with love in her eyes for me, she will say that I am yours. How 80 minutes passed, looking at her, thinking about her, and she has not seen towards me once. She is studying and I am thinking about her. She is writing and I am watching her. She is smiling and I am smiling with her.

 I say silently in my heart, look at me, look at me once. But she doesn’t look away from her notebook. I think, today class is worthless for me. But still I am saying, plz look at me once, and she just looks towards me for one second, but her response is blank, and again keeps her eyes on her notebook. 

No reaction, no smile, like she is ignoring me. Then she says something to pd and pd sees towards me and whispers with smile to her, something, which I was not able to listen and then she see me again and then both laugh and then they close their notebook and class become over and I get nothing about boiler and then both of them rushes very fast to the entrance of the classroom and thus another day is passed without talking to her. I come out and behind everyone; I walk to my hostel.