It does not matter,
how intelligent you are,
It does not matter,
From how high lineage you belong to,
It does not matter,
How much ancestral property you have.
If you loose vision,
you loose discipline,
you loose a aspiration,
and if you mock Life,
Life will mock you harder.
I dread opening my Facebook account. A wave of frustration, jealousy and hopelessness drown me every time I open my FB.
Being a hardcore Capricorn, who aspires to reach high and higher, but being stuck at nowhere makes me wonder why I can't leave this place.
Benefit of a Coveted elite engineering college, I got Campus Placement in one of the most coveted Job (Hyped that time) PSU (Govt. Company) job. And I was happy, I thought my days of problems are over. The four years of hard work has finally paid off and I can relax now.
Two three days went and finally on the Sunday, I went to nearby park/historical place/Shekchili ka makabara and sat alone on the roof and started thinking about future.
Deep down, I thought, I can't stay in the same company for my whole life. I am born wanderer. I hate being stick to any thing for long. I easily get bored. If I like something, I do it till the limit of my exhaustion and then I leave it aside. I never had a passion for so long. I know I have to change, I have lot to do to change myself.
I can't live in this company for whole life, max 2-3 years, to get off the bond period and I will move, I was confident, but haven't prepared for future course of actions.
I joined so called dream company, 9 month classroom training, no exposure of real work, which I have to do afterwards, the so much freedom after the strict restrained college life, I was relaxed, and I thought of settling down here for now. I closed my eyes.
He who never respect time, he get punished by life afterwards.
Training was over, and I was thrown to some remote location of India, at a power plant construction site and I fall from seven skies. Here the basic problems like getting food, water, a good place to sleep, in spite of getting a good amount of money in my bank account hitted me. Don't ask about other luxuries of Shopping mall and movies hall.
I put myself in the work, the desire to learn. one year passed by and then I realized I am not made for it. There is nothing new here, same mundane work, nothing to keep me interested for long. I began to loose my interest from work.
People when talk about my college, they say, what you are doing here?
I hated myself for loosing my discipline and future aspirations. I found myself in nowhere. What to do now?
I thought of leave the company, but the fear of society and the expectation of my parents and the fear and lost confidence in myself, I couldn't do that.
I became neutral towards everything. towards life. I began to talk less and lesser, to the people I used to talk, and after sometime, I even don't give any reaction to the people I met on daily basis, like they are stranger to me.
I was going into deep depression. I felt my life to be meaningless.
Being stuck at a place, and couldn't have courage to do anything to improve your condition, I felt just a failure to myself.
I thought of preparing for some examinations. IAS, the rough and busy 24*7 duty of plant, when I used to get called in the midnight in case of power failure, i didn't dare to start preparation for it.
I didn't have patience to prepare for so long. I needed something quick solution to get me out of this f**king place. It is draining me out. I feel like I am loosing myself. I am loosing my confidence, my morale, my aptitude, my strong will power. The persons, less intelligent than me began to mock me.
Deep down I used to cry in my heart, only solution is to leave this place. I am at wrong place.
Then CAT, MBA, the quick solution, being a Hindi medium student till 12th, I was little bit less confidence about my English sections.
without a single day preparation, I wrote CAT and got 98% in aptitude and a shame 37% in English sections.
I was devastated. I felt like it is not cup of my tea. I left hope for the future. I became a robot. Every day in the morning, used to wake up just before the office time, hurriedly did my daily chores and ran to the office without breakfast. I was never a foodie, I used to eat peacefully, what is being in front of me. But the quality of food here, i couldn't eat it, just two three bite and then either I ate forcibly or used to left the plate.
the effect of eating less and lesser created another problems, physically i began to exhaust. At night, i was unable to sleep. what to do? where to run? Very bad thoughts began to come in my mind. Life is meaningless and so on.......!
again 10 months passed on and again 2 months to next CAT examinations, i filled up the form and then thought of preparing seriously. I read and read and read Novels, English series, newspapers. everywhere like a manic. My ego was hurt.
and I wrote CAT second time. A 97.xx overall, 99.xx in English, but without practice in aptitude, i got 96.xx in that. Not a single call from IIMs. I knew it was all my fault. But i couldn't prepare for more than two months.
Next year the same repeated. but somehow I got from middle IIMs and converted them, but denied study leave from the company. People from other plants were getting it, but here I was denied without any reason explained. That day I understood the power of Jugaad/Jack and how it works.
5 Years and I couldn't resigned to join IIM due to family/self pressure.
And thought of taking GMAT.
And I never wrote GMAT. I am such a coward. Now I have no interest in any thing.
I am hopeless. I have no interest towards my work. I do it just for the sake of money i am getting. I have no aspiration in the company.
Life has come to a dead end. What to do, I can't decide.
I know I can't live like this. I am drowning myself into destruction.
Where is my destiny?
What is my fault?
This endless depression, when it will leave me?
So, Right effort at right time is necessary for being successful in life..!
