कविता: आँखों ने ख़ुदबख़ुद सारी बातें कह डालीं।

 उलझन थी, 

मिलने की पहली बार में,

जाने तुम्हे क्या पूछूँ, 

क्या बोलूँ  अपने बारे में?

मिले हम तुम,

ना  तुमने कुछ पूछा, 

ना मैंने कुछ कहा,

आँखों ने ख़ुदबख़ुद सारी बातें कह डालीं।

Fear of changes...!

Why do I feel like, I am close to no body. Hiding even the tiniest emotions and thoughts from everybody. Independence, no boundation, no stings, no back links, like completely alone in a whole crowd, like a stranger in a town fair, faces of different colors, people of different types, but I don't know them, or avoiding them, or ignoring them. What has happened to me. I hadn't wanted to end up like the way I have become.

Yes, change is the need and law of the world, with time every thing changes, but I am not even having control over myself, the way I have evolved. Alone, aloof, and the worst part is I don't want to change myself, even knowing that this is drowning me inside.

Perhaps I have lost faith on myself, and there is no one else to blame for. Life is not bed of roses and every body don't get what he wants. And we have to compromise and have to learn to be happy in what we have got. And we must learn to appreciate the little things we got, and be happy in that.

But I am too greedy, business mind person. I want every thing in my life perfect, which can't be achieved otherwise.

And I have nothing to say, share, discuss with people, even close to me, like complete void in my mind, blankness, nothing is there, totally black, and I hate it to show them how alone I feel inside. A constant feeling of failure haunts me, like I am underachiever or something.

I know I need to relax myself, I should open myself, I have to change myself, But I fear the changes.

May be some day I will, but when I don't know !!!

हाँ, अब भी तुझे चाहने की वेबकूफीया मैं दिन में सौ बार करता हूँ।

हाँ, अब भी तेरी यादें  मेरे दिल से जाती नहीं हैं ,

हाँ,  अब भी तेरी बातें मुझे दिलों-जां से याद आती हीं क्यों  हैं,

हाँ , अब भी तेरी आँखो की गहराइयों में डूब जाने को दिल करता है,

हाँ, अब भी तेरा चेहरा मेरी नज़रों से ओझल होता ही नहीं है।

हाँ, अब भी दिल झूठी तस्सली देता है, की तुम भी मुझे याद करती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी कभी भूल से ही सही, कभी मेरा नाम लेती तो होगी, 

हाँ,  अब भी कभी मेरे पागलपन को तुम सहेलियों में बतियाती तो होगी,

हाँ , अब भी कभी वो पेड़ के नीचे सीमेंट का बेंच तुम्हे मेरी कमी का एहसास दिलाता तो होगा। 

 हाँ , अब भी तुम डाँस क्लास के बाद उसी रास्ते से   हॉस्टल तक आती तो होगी,

हाँ , अब भी तुम उस रास्ते के फ्रूट शॉप वाले भैया से दाम कम करवाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी तुम चाट वाले से तीखा चाट खा कर, आंसू की धारा बहाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी तुम वो रास्ते के मंदिर पे रुक कर, आँखे बंद कर सर झुकाती तो होगी।

हाँ, अब  भी हॉस्टल के छत पे तुम तारों भरी रात में जाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी तुम  उन तारों से मेरी नादानियाँ  बतियाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी चाँद तेरी खूबसूरती से शरमा  कर बादलों की ओट में छुपता तो होगा,

हाँ , अब भी हवा तेरे जुल्फों को मंद मंद सहलाती तो होगी। 

हाँ, अब भी तुम अकेले में अपने किताबो को खोल कर मेरे पत्रो को पाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी तुम मेरे बेनामी प्रेम पत्रों को अपने सखियों को पढ़ाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी उन्हें पढ़ कर, तुम होंठो की हँसी को दांतों तले दबाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी मेरा इजहारे मुहब्बत तुम्हारे दिल की धड़कनों की रफ़्तार बढाती तो होंगी।

हाँ, अब भी मैं तुम्हे छूप कर उस रास्ते से जाते देखता ही तो हूँ,

हाँ, अब भी मैं तुम्हे फिर से अपने बांहों में भरने को तड़पता ही तो हूँ,

हाँ, अब भी मै आँखे बंद कर तुम्हे अपने पास ही पाता ही तो  हूँ,

हाँ, अब भी तेरी जुल्फों की घनी छाँव में सोने को ललचाता ही तो हूँ। 

हाँ, क्यों वक़्त ने दूरियों का रेगिस्तान बिछा डाला हमारे प्यार की सुनहरी बगिया में ,

हाँ, क्यों तुमने भी जाने कौन सी मज़बूरियों में अपनी राहें अलग बना डाली ,

हाँ, क्यों मैं भी लाख चाह कर भी रोक ना सका तुम्हे जाने से,

हाँ, फिर क्यों आज भी मैं तेरी हर छोटी सी याद दिल की गहराइयों में संजोये बैठा हूँ। 

हाँ, क्यों किताबो में भी तेरा चेहरा मुझे नज़र आता क्यों है,

हाँ, क्यों अब भी तेरी तस्वीर  मैं बनाता ही क्यों हूँ,

हाँ , क्यों दीवारो को उन तस्वीरों से मैं सजाता क्यों हूँ,

हाँ, क्यों तेरी उन तस्वीरों  से घंटो तेरे बारे में ही मैं बतियाता क्यों हूँ। 

हाँ, शायद वक़्त ने कुछ खेल ही तो खेला है मेरे साथ में,

हाँ, शायद दुनिया की नज़र ही तो लग गयी हमारे प्यार में,

हाँ, शायद तेरी याद मुझे उतने शिद्दत से अब तड़पाती नहीं हैं,

हाँ शायद  मैं भी पत्थर सा बनता ही जा रहा हूँ धीरे -धीरे से। 

हाँ, बड़ी कोशिश करता हूँ तेरे सामने ना आने की,

हाँ, खुद से भी झगड़ता हूँ तुझसे गिले ना करने की,

हाँ, बड़ी कोशिश करता हूँ तेरी हर एक बात भूलाने की,

हाँ, खुद को ही सजा देता हूँ हर दिन थोड़ा थोड़ा मर के जीने की । 

हाँ, कह भी नहीं सकता सामने तेरे आकर ही ,

हाँ, रह भी नहीं सकता तुम्हे एक नज़र दूर से देखे बिना ही,

हाँ, कोशिश भी करता हूँ तुम्हे भूल जाने की,

हाँ, फिर भी तुम मेरी यादों से कभी एक पल को जाती नहीं हो। 

हाँ, पागल था, हूँ, या हो गया हूँ, कौन जाने,

हाँ, दीवाना था, हूँ या हो गया हूँ, कौन जाने ,

हाँ, तुम पे मरता था,या अब भी मरता हूँ कौन जाने,

हाँ, तुम्हे चाहता था, या अब भी चाहता हूँ कौन जाने। 

वक़्त ने भर दी है  कड़वाहट सी जिंदगी में,

कुछ भी अच्छा लगता ही नहीं है, बगैर तेरे जीने में,

कोशिश भी करता हूँ खुद को व्यस्त रखने में,

फिर भी  तेरे जाने का गम ख़त्म होता नहीं है सीने में। 

हाँ, अब भी मैं नादान दिल को दिलासायें देता हूँ,

हाँ, अब भी तेरे वापस  लौटने की राहें देखता हूँ।

हाँ, अब भी सपनो में मैं तुझे ही पाता ही हूँ,

हाँ, अब भी तुझे चाहने की वेबकूफीया मैं दिन में सौ बार करता हूँ। 

क्युंकि, तुम्हे, बस तुम्हे,

हर पल हर लम्हा, 

मैं प्यार करता हूँ,

हाँ, प्यार करता हूँ।

-V. P. "नादान" 

    

  

 

    

  

Vipaasna Medtiation- Away from world..... in search of - Part-I

Hi friends,

I would like to thank you for Voting this topic for the Indispire.

experience about A 7 days experiment to stay away from all modern gadgets and apps like mobile, laptop-computers, internet, social networking, E-games and how you spent that time? with family? traveled? meditated, anything you experienced. #7dayexperiment

from 2nd September to 12th September 2014, I attended Vipaasana meditation,a 10 days residential meditation program. it was the best and hardest ten days of my life.

 Vipassana originates in India from the teachings of the Buddha more than 2,500 years ago. Over the years it has been diluted and modified in other parts of the world, but has  been practiced in its pure form in Myanmar. The Myanmar version as taught bySri  S.N. Goenka,  has spread globally in recent years thanks to the positive results reported from the practice and its easy accessibility. It’s open to people of all races and religions and provided on a donation basis. it requires some tough rule and regulations and being away from all modern gadget, books, even speaking is not allowed is one of them.

So I put this idea for Indispire and it got selected. Now I have to write  all about it.

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What I still want from my life, I don’t know. An aversion towards everything, an apathy towards everything has become part of my character. Something has changed inside me, and it didn’t happened in some days, it took time and I let it do this, and here I am complete disaster.

“Come On! You are not only one failed, failed in love,failed in life, everybody fails, everybody struggles, everybody has boring life, hectic and boring job, family issues, you are not the only one, life itself is so much unpredictable, and you have to be satisfied with what you have got”, my mind was continuously trying to teach me simple this lesson.

But somehow I know, this doesn’t work for me. This never works for me, and it will never. Yes! I am proud of, what I have become, and I don’t regret.

I am adamant, mad, and don’t know what else I have become. I am loosing interest towards everything.  It’s just a vacuum is created around me, and I am drowning in it.

Life has never been easy for everyone, we have to take pain and change things as per our needs, but it all happens, if we have the will power to change it, if we want to change it, and that will power, that passion to change it. I have lost that one, and now I am going where, I don’t know.

What I wanted?

I never wanted to be famous, I never wanted to be accepted loved  by all.

I wanted only her to love me, to accept me. I only wanted her to be happy and I did it, and she did it too, but things changed, not according to me, and I don’t know about her liking, if she wanted this turns out of event or not, but now we are far far apart, and I don’t know, if ever I will meet her again, if ever I will talk to her again.

I just want to go away from every body, I just wish to live alone, from all crowd, from people. do i hate people, but then why I like to be alone?, why intermingling with people doesn’t suit me? 
It seems, I am used to live in distress, I am used to live in past, I am used to live in regret.

Happiness has left me long ago, then apathy, then sorrow, then anger took place inside my heart and now my heart is filled with only aversion now.

I don’t know, if I like being what I have become or not. But this is, the bitter truth, the cruel reality, and I can’t help it.

I have tried to get over it, I have tried to full fill the void by doing sketching, more and more and once my room was filled with her sketches, then paining, more n more, but it didn’t help me at all, then I left and started drinking, more n more, it was like, I was taking revenge, from who, from her, by destroying myself, it seemed so right to me and I can’t help it. 

Here I am, a negative, fed up spoilt brat, having social, mental, physical and whatever issues I still don’t know.

I daily take a bow, to change myself, but day spends, and I start the same, drinking, heavy drinking, but it doesn’t help me to erase my memories, it just put them away from me for a while. And when I come back to my senses, everything returns the same. My life has become horrible, I have become terrible, something is not right, and no one can change it.

It is as usual Sunday, and whole day I am in my room, I didn’t go to mess to have breakfast, to have lunch and it seems, I am going to miss the dinner too. i am sick of myself, I am sick of my behavior.

Who I am punishing and why I don’t know. I need a break, I need a break from all this, I need a break from all this happening, and I broke the RC Bottle on the floor. But where I will go, they will haunt me, I wanted peace of my mind. 

I cried, I grunted, I shouted.

Oh! God, what I have become?

I opened my laptop and opened my FB account which I have deactivated from very a long time, and suppress the urge to see her fb profile and her status.

The simple solution is unfriend her, but some how  I don’t have the courage to do it, and she also didn’t unfriend me.

I saw updates of people, moving to new places, changing their Job, visiting new place, being committed, marrying, buying cars, mobile and all silly things they can post.

And what I have to post, nothing, a sudden blank, I don’t have anything new to announce the world about it, the way people do it.

Only hate, anger and all bad thoughts in my mind, and I know, I can’t post them. people will find me  insane, my family member, who I have to add reluctantly, even I don’t want to add them, will be worried about me, and it is the last thing I wanted to do, to make my family worried about me.

Still I am not that bad, still I give a thought about my family, I smiled.

I wanted to do something hard, I have done earlier, I have gone to hill station in very bad weather, I don’t know, what was that time in my mind, whether, I wanted to die or something, I don’t know, and I survived that one, and came back.

I have done drinking, and now wanted something different to do, to get my thoughts away from me, some wild passion, some difficult task, to keep me occupied.

Religion, spirituality, I gave a thought to try them, and I did it, I read books, but I don’t feel them, I find them quite boring, I find them too preachy. I am a bad guy and I can’t help it any more.

In some way I find Lord Budhha fascinating, not because he achieved real knowledge, NIRVANA, but because he at some time in his life, also left everything, he was at some time also confused, he at some time was also sorrowful, it’s like running away from the world, in search of something, but what, no one knows, and I like to read about him more n more. I searched on Google and something came up.

It was a site called  http://www.dhamma.org and it was all about a course Vipaasana meditation.

I reluctantly read it whole. The more I read, the more I wanted to do it. No because, I have developed some interest towards spirituality, but because it seems me tough, it seems me difficult, it seems me painful, and I like inflict, I like conflict, I like pain to the core of my heart and I am used to it now. 

And I read the site:

It says:

What Vipassana is not:

• It is not a rite or ritual based on blind faith.
• It is neither an intellectual nor a philosophical entertainment.
• It is not a rest cure, a holiday, or an opportunity for socializing.
• It is not an escape from the trials and tribulations of everyday life.

What Vipassana is:

• It is a technique that will eradicate suffering.
• It is a method of mental purification which allows one to face life's tensions and problems in a calm, balanced way.
• It is an art of living that one can use to make positive contributions to society.

Yes, I don’t believe in ritual or blind faith, somehow I wanted to get away from everything activities of life. I wanted to do something different.

It is something which I needed the most, but I don’t have faith literally, that something in ten days can change me back, but I decided to give it a try.

 I read further.

The Code of Discipline

The foundation of the practice is sīla — moral conduct. Sīla provides a basis for the development of samādhi — concentration of mind; and purification of the mind is achieved through paññā — the wisdom of insight.

The Precepts

All who attend a Vipassana course must conscientiously undertake the following five precepts for the duration of the course:

1. to abstain from killing any being;
2. to abstain from stealing;
3. to abstain from all sexual activity;
4. to abstain from telling lies;
5. to abstain from all intoxicants.

There are three additional precepts which old students (that is, those who have completed a course with S.N. Goenka or one of his assistant teachers) are expected to follow during the course:

6. to abstain from eating after midday;
7. to abstain from sensual entertainment and bodily decorations;
8. to abstain from using high or luxurious beds.

Old students will observe the sixth precept by having tea without milk or fruit juice at the 5 p.m. break, whereas new student may have tea with milk and some fruit. The teacher may excuse an old student from observing this precept for health reasons. The seventh and eighth precept will be observed by all.


The five precepts seems little bit difficult in reading, I don’t know how difficult it is to follow them. Let it give a try, I know I have failed at lot of things, what if, I don’t do them good, I thought and one still intrigues me, not telling lie, how people practice it, I wondered, in this world, telling truth always, is it possible?

 I scrolled down the webpage:

To be continued……!

Rest of the posts are in the links below:

Vipaasna meditation- part-II 

Vipaasna meditation- part-III 

Vipaasna meditation- part-IV 

  

I am in the process of changing..better or worse, i don't know..!

I feel so much vulnerable, so much passionless. 
What I am doing to my life, I don’t know. 
I don’t want any one to know, how mechanical I have become, and my thoughts have left me at all, and a regular thoughtless, sadness without any reason prevails all the time.

Where that excitement has gone?
I still remember the time, when I waited eagerly for your one message and one call. The happiness and eagerness, to hear your voice, the excitement to meet you daily at the class, and now, everything seems to be lost. 
I myself find to be lost somewhere, and how much I try, I don’t find the same myself. 
Have I gone mad? 
I don’t know.

I can’t tell it to anybody, no one likes to be bored and hear a pathetic lover or failed in love. But this sadness never leaves me. And I don’t have any option, beside to write all and post it to my blog. 
Here no one knows me, yes, at least not by my name. Here I don’t have to pretend to be a sophisticated and practical person. Here I can be a mad, a pathetic, an adamant and arrogant person. And nobody cares after all here. 

Something missing, what I don’t able to configure. 
I try my hand at writing. Writing, more and more writing, sketching, more and more sketching, painting, more and more painting, but these passion don’t engage me long enough and again I find myself alone, alone in middle of nowhere. And that nowhere, is not full of light or darkness, a very dim light everywhere, and I see everywhere a blur, dim, boring sadness spread. 

It seems, now I practice sadism. i have addicted to this and it is slowly making me more and more vulnerable. Today I read some blog, a fellow blogger, and you have written all your sadness it it. I gave you advice, I gave you hope, I gave you suggestion. I felt little good. I saw, you are going through the same, which I came across some very earlier time. I felt your condition, once I was like. After a long time, you will be like me, may be you can recover better than me. I have, but still in some corner of my heart, her memories are still there, which haunt me some time. Human mind is very complicated, some time we want to remember, but unable to do so, and some time, in spite of all effort, something we can’t forget, how hard we try. 

Life itself is so strange.  A journey, a path in the middle of nowhere, and we have to travel all by our self, we have to make path all by our self, we have to face thorns and flowers under our feet all by our self, and it is real, it is not an illusion. It is truth, life is tough and easy at times, and it is not easy to be the same at different times, and a person who maintain that peace, he needs to be patted on his back.

Sometimes I wonder, if I like to enjoy pretty tensed, I try to remember, when I laugh loudly and I remember not a time. Sometime I wonder, how some people, in spite of all their trouble use to laugh, use to smile, and here I am in spite of all…….!

I am in the process of changing, what I have become, a robot, a machine. And it is better or worse, I still don’t know.

चाह....!!

प्यार के समन्दर  चाह नहीं थी मुझे,

प्यार का एक बूँद तो बरसा दिया होता। 

जीवन भर का साथ  सकी, ना ही सही,

दो  पल सच्चे दिल से चाह तो लिया होता। 

“Nothing comes free”

I have read somewhere: “Nothing comes free”.  You have to pay for everything you do, in this world, in this f**ing world.  Even the ads you watch on TV, this comes free with that, they are all lies, there is always a hidden cost or a hidden motto that will lead you to pay for that free item today or tomorrow, for sure.

Nothing comes easily, you have to put your best effort for achieve anything and I know, deep down my heart, I have got nothing easily, nothing free. I know the value of hard work and dedication and know that it doesn’t get wasted. It pays, it pays today or tomorrow. But why I fear? Why I fear, taking risk in my life? Why I fear doing something I want to do right now, why I have to think about future. Screw it, live in present, forget about past and future, but a man learns from his past mistake and plans for his better future. But what about his present? What about his desires, his wishes, do they not matter in life?

God!! I am again talking to myself. I am talking again. This mind never stops thinking. It thinks again and again, roam over topics, do they matter anymore, I don’t know.

Heart says, do what you like, and my mind reminds me of it consequences. It reminds me of those wrong decisions, which I took in past and their consequences and i think he is right, he is 100% right. But will life not be very boring, by calculating every moments and steps, before actually taking them, will not life be very dull, by being practical always. Heart wants to take me in his grip, he tells me to do what I want in my life, to run behind my dreams, wherever they take me, may be to the sunny beach or a dark cave, it doesn’t matter. At least I will be happy inside, that I did, what I wanted to, but what about the dreams and responsibility of your towards others? Mind questions.  What if your dreams lead you to dark cave, where you would be lost, but what if I go through the dark cave and see the new morning, and I will breathe the fresh air, and I will feel the morning sun.

Man learns from his mistake, and I wanted to do them, I want to take decisions, may be they are wrong, but I want to, because I want to, and I will learn from them. I don’t want to be perfect any more, I don’t want to be perfect example of a successful man.  A child, he does what he feels, he touched fire and get burnt his fingers, he cries, but see him after some time, he would be laughing again, no pain, no remorse of touching the fire, he laughs spontaneously, he cries easily, I wanted to be a child again, forgetting the calculations of world and it’s worldly relations. But how hard I try, I know I can’t do this…!! And atlast my damn mind wins over my heart, and here I am practical, very practical.