Fear of changes...!

Why do I feel like, I am close to no body. Hiding even the tiniest emotions and thoughts from everybody. Independence, no boundation, no stings, no back links, like completely alone in a whole crowd, like a stranger in a town fair, faces of different colors, people of different types, but I don't know them, or avoiding them, or ignoring them. What has happened to me. I hadn't wanted to end up like the way I have become.

Yes, change is the need and law of the world, with time every thing changes, but I am not even having control over myself, the way I have evolved. Alone, aloof, and the worst part is I don't want to change myself, even knowing that this is drowning me inside.

Perhaps I have lost faith on myself, and there is no one else to blame for. Life is not bed of roses and every body don't get what he wants. And we have to compromise and have to learn to be happy in what we have got. And we must learn to appreciate the little things we got, and be happy in that.

But I am too greedy, business mind person. I want every thing in my life perfect, which can't be achieved otherwise.

And I have nothing to say, share, discuss with people, even close to me, like complete void in my mind, blankness, nothing is there, totally black, and I hate it to show them how alone I feel inside. A constant feeling of failure haunts me, like I am underachiever or something.

I know I need to relax myself, I should open myself, I have to change myself, But I fear the changes.

May be some day I will, but when I don't know !!!

DAY 4 & 5 - Vipassana meditation - part- IV

Hi friends,

I would like to thank you for Voting this topic for the Indispire.

experience about A 7 days experiment to stay away from all modern gadgets and apps like mobile, laptop-computers, internet, social networking, E-games and how you spent that time? with family? traveled? meditated, anything you experienced. #7dayexperiment

from 2nd september to 12 September 2014, I attended Vipaasana meditation,a 10 days residential meditation program. it was the best and the hardest ten days of my life.

 Vipassana originates in India from the teachings of the Buddha more than 2,500 years ago. Over the years it has been diluted and modified in other parts of the world, but has  been practiced in its pure form in Myanmar. The Myanmar version as taught by Sri  S.N. Goenka,  has spread globally in recent years thanks to the positive results reported from the practice and its easy accessibility. It’s open to people of all races and religions and provided on a donation basis. it requires some tough rule and regulations and being away from all modern gadget, books, even speaking is not allowed is one of them.

So I put this idea for Indispire and it got selected. Now I have to write  all about it.

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DAY 4 :

Nothing to read, nothing to write, no one to talk, but this noble silence led me to something, which i never did before.

That is watching all around me sharply, like watching the beauty of the spider web, and the dew drop over it near my room after breakfast in the morning.  
I noticed it was different everyday, as rain in night destroyed the previous one, but the spider has the patience to build it again and again.
I saw Snell moving so slowly, keeping a wet trace on concrete road and red ants in a line from some nearby tree to their home hidden under some bush and birds on lager trees.
I was nothing to do in spare time, so watching these natural activities seemed so pleasant.
may be i learned a thing or two from all of them, and not theoretical, but in practical sense. if we notice, the world and every single thing of world is our teacher, and we can learn from any one.
we just need to keep our eye open, and the motive to listen, the motive to learn, the motive to be humble is necessary.

Day 4 started and I was happy, eager about Vipassana Day.

Today was different, new meditation will be taught to us. But in the morning same instruction were given and we practiced the same patiently and calmly.

During breakfast, at notice board something was written: it says, Vipassana will be given in the afternoon session and it is mandatory for all to be present for the introduction of this technique. 

The technique was not tough, as I have assumed. It was simple, and we were instructed to move our awareness from our moustache area to our head and feel the sensation in that part of body and moving it to lower parts slowly and gradually, through every single and small part of body, from head to feet slowly, slowly, watching every little and big sensations, observing every sensations through our body objectively, without any desire or aversion towards them.

And Guruji added a new practice: “Mediation of strong determination, for three hours (One hour each) in day, we were instructed to stay still, not changing posture, not opening eyes, not even moving body. 
It was tough, and within  20 minutes, I was having strong urge to change my posture, some itching on my left arm was growing intense, my leg was paining.

 if it is Vipassana mediation then it is tough, and practicing this for remaining 6 days seems like eternity.

But there was beauty about this course, we don’t only do theory or practical, we do both, and evening discourse was the theory, explanation of all, what we do whole day and why, and it has all answers of my questions. So at the discourse in the evening, Guruji told the reason behind it.

We are experiencing pain, but only to make it disappear, we are in the process of ignoring and make our self at peace, that this physical pain is not going to reside forever, it will disappear now and then, and we have to calm in every situation. He said, this pain will subside, and you will able to sit for hours, just have patience. See the pain, but don’t judge it, see it objectively. The pain is also a sensation, but not a pleasant one, but we shouldn’t have an aversion towards it, neither a craving for good sensations, both are bound to cease after some time. Nothing is permanent. 

And he told it as a theory like:

We have five sensory and one cognition as our sis senses, and we perceives something through them and we identify and judge that thing and according to our judgement we feel physical sensations, some positive and some negative ones and develops craving or aversion towards them. And both aversion and craving are two face of same coin and both makes our mind at unrest. So Vipassana teaches us to become aware of our sensation and knowing craving and aversion, and observe them objectively, then only we will break the loop of aversion and craving, and we will finally find ultimate goal of life, and it starts from here only.

So being steady for one hour through strong determination has its significance. It’s like during that time, lots of physical sensation both pleasant and unpleasant one are born and the cease, and if we are able to observe them objectively, maintaining perfect equanimity, and if it would be included in our day to  day life, then facing the day to day life and its problem would be so easy.

You feel your negative and positive sensations, you witness them, but objectively and maintain perfect calmness of mind, and this shall too pass so why aversion or craving for this. Just observe, observe.

This answered many questions raised in my mind.

I came back in my room and at my bed, I analyzed today.

At first, my head area was blind, I didn’t feel any sensation in my head, but Guruji was there, encouraging, don’t worry, if you don’t feel any sensation, hold, wait there for any sensation, even perspiration, and if you don’t find any move on, don’t have any sorrow, move it and I was moving from head to feet, observing STHUL and subtle sensation throughout my body. And I experienced a current of nice vibration all over my skin, my body, where ever I was moving, but Guruji was telling, again don’t have craving for them, don’t get attracted towards them, they are also not permanent, they will cease also, so see them objectively. But it was tough, not to have craving for them. He was telling, don’t start playing the game of sensation.
 I felt good and tried to sleep.

DAY 5 :

Today we were instructed to observe from head to feet and then feet to head, and then not by part by part but as a whole in continuous manner. And travel trough out the body. 

I was able to do it, and I traveled from head to feet and feet to head, and pleasant vibration flowed all over the skin of mine continuously. 
It was nice to understand that my mind was not only following my orders, but have become subtle enough to experience all this, he doesn’t run away, like it was before. And some distraction came in way, they come every day, it’s another matter, they come now for small time and I am able to put my mind away from them. 
The pain in my leg has subsided, and today I was able to sit still without any effort. 
It seems easy and pleasant.

After discourse, we came back to our room, and I observe today, and was quite happy and satisfied.

I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes to sleep.


 
To be continued..! 

Rest of the posts are in the links below:

Vipaasna meditation- part-I

Vipaasna meditation- part-II

Vipaasna meditation- part-III

Vipaasna Medtiation- Away from world..... in search of - Part-I

Hi friends,

I would like to thank you for Voting this topic for the Indispire.

experience about A 7 days experiment to stay away from all modern gadgets and apps like mobile, laptop-computers, internet, social networking, E-games and how you spent that time? with family? traveled? meditated, anything you experienced. #7dayexperiment

from 2nd September to 12th September 2014, I attended Vipaasana meditation,a 10 days residential meditation program. it was the best and hardest ten days of my life.

 Vipassana originates in India from the teachings of the Buddha more than 2,500 years ago. Over the years it has been diluted and modified in other parts of the world, but has  been practiced in its pure form in Myanmar. The Myanmar version as taught bySri  S.N. Goenka,  has spread globally in recent years thanks to the positive results reported from the practice and its easy accessibility. It’s open to people of all races and religions and provided on a donation basis. it requires some tough rule and regulations and being away from all modern gadget, books, even speaking is not allowed is one of them.

So I put this idea for Indispire and it got selected. Now I have to write  all about it.

######################################################

What I still want from my life, I don’t know. An aversion towards everything, an apathy towards everything has become part of my character. Something has changed inside me, and it didn’t happened in some days, it took time and I let it do this, and here I am complete disaster.

“Come On! You are not only one failed, failed in love,failed in life, everybody fails, everybody struggles, everybody has boring life, hectic and boring job, family issues, you are not the only one, life itself is so much unpredictable, and you have to be satisfied with what you have got”, my mind was continuously trying to teach me simple this lesson.

But somehow I know, this doesn’t work for me. This never works for me, and it will never. Yes! I am proud of, what I have become, and I don’t regret.

I am adamant, mad, and don’t know what else I have become. I am loosing interest towards everything.  It’s just a vacuum is created around me, and I am drowning in it.

Life has never been easy for everyone, we have to take pain and change things as per our needs, but it all happens, if we have the will power to change it, if we want to change it, and that will power, that passion to change it. I have lost that one, and now I am going where, I don’t know.

What I wanted?

I never wanted to be famous, I never wanted to be accepted loved  by all.

I wanted only her to love me, to accept me. I only wanted her to be happy and I did it, and she did it too, but things changed, not according to me, and I don’t know about her liking, if she wanted this turns out of event or not, but now we are far far apart, and I don’t know, if ever I will meet her again, if ever I will talk to her again.

I just want to go away from every body, I just wish to live alone, from all crowd, from people. do i hate people, but then why I like to be alone?, why intermingling with people doesn’t suit me? 
It seems, I am used to live in distress, I am used to live in past, I am used to live in regret.

Happiness has left me long ago, then apathy, then sorrow, then anger took place inside my heart and now my heart is filled with only aversion now.

I don’t know, if I like being what I have become or not. But this is, the bitter truth, the cruel reality, and I can’t help it.

I have tried to get over it, I have tried to full fill the void by doing sketching, more and more and once my room was filled with her sketches, then paining, more n more, but it didn’t help me at all, then I left and started drinking, more n more, it was like, I was taking revenge, from who, from her, by destroying myself, it seemed so right to me and I can’t help it. 

Here I am, a negative, fed up spoilt brat, having social, mental, physical and whatever issues I still don’t know.

I daily take a bow, to change myself, but day spends, and I start the same, drinking, heavy drinking, but it doesn’t help me to erase my memories, it just put them away from me for a while. And when I come back to my senses, everything returns the same. My life has become horrible, I have become terrible, something is not right, and no one can change it.

It is as usual Sunday, and whole day I am in my room, I didn’t go to mess to have breakfast, to have lunch and it seems, I am going to miss the dinner too. i am sick of myself, I am sick of my behavior.

Who I am punishing and why I don’t know. I need a break, I need a break from all this, I need a break from all this happening, and I broke the RC Bottle on the floor. But where I will go, they will haunt me, I wanted peace of my mind. 

I cried, I grunted, I shouted.

Oh! God, what I have become?

I opened my laptop and opened my FB account which I have deactivated from very a long time, and suppress the urge to see her fb profile and her status.

The simple solution is unfriend her, but some how  I don’t have the courage to do it, and she also didn’t unfriend me.

I saw updates of people, moving to new places, changing their Job, visiting new place, being committed, marrying, buying cars, mobile and all silly things they can post.

And what I have to post, nothing, a sudden blank, I don’t have anything new to announce the world about it, the way people do it.

Only hate, anger and all bad thoughts in my mind, and I know, I can’t post them. people will find me  insane, my family member, who I have to add reluctantly, even I don’t want to add them, will be worried about me, and it is the last thing I wanted to do, to make my family worried about me.

Still I am not that bad, still I give a thought about my family, I smiled.

I wanted to do something hard, I have done earlier, I have gone to hill station in very bad weather, I don’t know, what was that time in my mind, whether, I wanted to die or something, I don’t know, and I survived that one, and came back.

I have done drinking, and now wanted something different to do, to get my thoughts away from me, some wild passion, some difficult task, to keep me occupied.

Religion, spirituality, I gave a thought to try them, and I did it, I read books, but I don’t feel them, I find them quite boring, I find them too preachy. I am a bad guy and I can’t help it any more.

In some way I find Lord Budhha fascinating, not because he achieved real knowledge, NIRVANA, but because he at some time in his life, also left everything, he was at some time also confused, he at some time was also sorrowful, it’s like running away from the world, in search of something, but what, no one knows, and I like to read about him more n more. I searched on Google and something came up.

It was a site called  http://www.dhamma.org and it was all about a course Vipaasana meditation.

I reluctantly read it whole. The more I read, the more I wanted to do it. No because, I have developed some interest towards spirituality, but because it seems me tough, it seems me difficult, it seems me painful, and I like inflict, I like conflict, I like pain to the core of my heart and I am used to it now. 

And I read the site:

It says:

What Vipassana is not:

• It is not a rite or ritual based on blind faith.
• It is neither an intellectual nor a philosophical entertainment.
• It is not a rest cure, a holiday, or an opportunity for socializing.
• It is not an escape from the trials and tribulations of everyday life.

What Vipassana is:

• It is a technique that will eradicate suffering.
• It is a method of mental purification which allows one to face life's tensions and problems in a calm, balanced way.
• It is an art of living that one can use to make positive contributions to society.

Yes, I don’t believe in ritual or blind faith, somehow I wanted to get away from everything activities of life. I wanted to do something different.

It is something which I needed the most, but I don’t have faith literally, that something in ten days can change me back, but I decided to give it a try.

 I read further.

The Code of Discipline

The foundation of the practice is sīla — moral conduct. Sīla provides a basis for the development of samādhi — concentration of mind; and purification of the mind is achieved through paññā — the wisdom of insight.

The Precepts

All who attend a Vipassana course must conscientiously undertake the following five precepts for the duration of the course:

1. to abstain from killing any being;
2. to abstain from stealing;
3. to abstain from all sexual activity;
4. to abstain from telling lies;
5. to abstain from all intoxicants.

There are three additional precepts which old students (that is, those who have completed a course with S.N. Goenka or one of his assistant teachers) are expected to follow during the course:

6. to abstain from eating after midday;
7. to abstain from sensual entertainment and bodily decorations;
8. to abstain from using high or luxurious beds.

Old students will observe the sixth precept by having tea without milk or fruit juice at the 5 p.m. break, whereas new student may have tea with milk and some fruit. The teacher may excuse an old student from observing this precept for health reasons. The seventh and eighth precept will be observed by all.


The five precepts seems little bit difficult in reading, I don’t know how difficult it is to follow them. Let it give a try, I know I have failed at lot of things, what if, I don’t do them good, I thought and one still intrigues me, not telling lie, how people practice it, I wondered, in this world, telling truth always, is it possible?

 I scrolled down the webpage:

To be continued……!

Rest of the posts are in the links below:

Vipaasna meditation- part-II 

Vipaasna meditation- part-III 

Vipaasna meditation- part-IV 

  

जाने क्यों, भौतिकतावाद का नशा, तुम पे कैसे चढ़ गया ???

मैंने सोचा था, मुझे तुम पसंद हो,

तुम, सिर्फ तुम,

तुम्हारी सारी अच्छाइयों और बुराईयों के साथ,

और मैं तुम्हे,

बिल्कुल उसी तरह,

जिस तरह चाहता हूँ मैं तुम्हें। 

मैंने सोचा था, 

ये धन-दौलत की दीवार,

ये रूपये-पैसे-जायदाद,

कभी हमें जुदा ना कर पाएँगे। 

मैंने सोचा था,

ये जाति-धर्म और समाज की खोखली बंदिशे,

हमें  कभी नहीं बाँध पाएँगी। 

मैंने सोचा था,

ये रूप-रंग-बाहरी आडम्बर,

हमें कभी छू भी ना पाएँगे। 

मैंने सोचा था,

रिश्तों में सच्चाई काफ़ी है,

प्यार पाने और बांटने के लिए। 

मैंने सोचा था,

हमारा प्यार टिका है,

सच्चाई, ईमानदारी और सादगी के धरातल पर। 

मैंने सोचा था,

सिर्फ दुनिया लगी पड़ी है,

खड़े करने में,

धन-दौलत के  पहाड़। 

मैंने सोचा था,

सिर्फ दुनिया भाग रही है,

पीछे रूप-रंग-बाहरी आडम्बर के। 

और हम-तुम बिलकुल अलग हैं,

उन दो खिल रहे सफ़ेद कमल-पुष्पों की तरह। 

पर  जाने क्यों,

जाने क्यों, दुनियादारी का रोग,

तुम्हे कैसे कब लग गया। 

पर  जाने क्यों,

जाने क्यों, भौतिकतावाद का नशा,

तुम पे कैसे चढ़ गया। 

शायद तुमने दुनिया में,

दुनिया  वालों की तरह रहना सीख लिया, 

 और मैं  अकेला का,अकेला ही रह गया। 

अब या तो तुम आगे निकल गयी,

या जाने मैं ही पीछे रह गया।

 

 शायद तुम एक दिवा-स्वप्न हो,

या हो एक झूठी हक़ीक़त।