The reason of so much unsatisfaction?

I asked, "what is the reason of so much un-satisfaction?"

He replied, "Because we all are slave of our limitless cravings and desires....!"

Fear of changes...!

Why do I feel like, I am close to no body. Hiding even the tiniest emotions and thoughts from everybody. Independence, no boundation, no stings, no back links, like completely alone in a whole crowd, like a stranger in a town fair, faces of different colors, people of different types, but I don't know them, or avoiding them, or ignoring them. What has happened to me. I hadn't wanted to end up like the way I have become.

Yes, change is the need and law of the world, with time every thing changes, but I am not even having control over myself, the way I have evolved. Alone, aloof, and the worst part is I don't want to change myself, even knowing that this is drowning me inside.

Perhaps I have lost faith on myself, and there is no one else to blame for. Life is not bed of roses and every body don't get what he wants. And we have to compromise and have to learn to be happy in what we have got. And we must learn to appreciate the little things we got, and be happy in that.

But I am too greedy, business mind person. I want every thing in my life perfect, which can't be achieved otherwise.

And I have nothing to say, share, discuss with people, even close to me, like complete void in my mind, blankness, nothing is there, totally black, and I hate it to show them how alone I feel inside. A constant feeling of failure haunts me, like I am underachiever or something.

I know I need to relax myself, I should open myself, I have to change myself, But I fear the changes.

May be some day I will, but when I don't know !!!

Is it real: No desires, no passion, no expectation, no jealously...nothing is there....!

Day by day life is getting more complicated. Am I taking life too seriously or really it is getting harder and harder? The biggest loss is I have lost my dreams. No dreams at all. I fear having a dream. No dream at all. No expectation. No goal. Nothing from life, world or person. A saddening loneliness prevails in my mind. A habit to live alone has kept me so deep that I fear even intermingling with people I don't like. It's like i don't want to put mask on my face, It's like I have become straightforward and don't fit in the rules of world. to be pretend to something else. May be world has moved so fast,  People are more practical and I am being too childish or idealist I don't know.


Today or tomorrow, every body you think you are close to is going to hurt you knowingly or unknowingly and its true somehow I am thinking to believe over it.

A deep loss, I have lost my passion. I fear moving to unknown territories of any type. Fears of failures haunt me even when they have not come yet. Past experiences have kept their effect on me so badly, I am unable to take decisions right now. I now doubt my decisions, based on outcomes of my previous decisions, weather the next one I will take, will be better for me or not, I don't know.

A flair, a motivation may be negative or positive, a competitive attitude, jealousy, learning....nothing is left with me....only a cold dead attitude of letting everything go.....let it be as it is....like i am  defeated. A sadness has scared so deep in my heart, it is unable to heal anyhow.

I see, people are moving ahead in their life, but with me, I am stuck fully, no desires, no dreams. nothing. this so cold attitude, i dread over so much changes in me.

Desires I have lost them. is it sign of concern or I am getting mature?

I am getting so f***g insane...!! The self discovery is haunting.....! Is it the reality of life??

Why there is so much hate, despair and disturbance in place of Love, happiness and peace???

pc

A newbie is born due to love...and People spread love for that !

pc

An old dies and again the people love and pray for him more and more !

 Then in between...

PC

what happens to world, to people, to Human being,
 that they spread hate, despair and disturbance in place of Love, happiness and peace.

Purpose of life????

PC

Emptiness has prevailed in my heart. Complete emptiness, neither love nor hate, neither optimism, nor pessimism has any place in my heart.

Am i alive or living without a life ?

What is the purpose of human life?

PC

Just to born, get education, get job, get married, become parents, earn money, create wealth, become old and die, and after 2 generation no1 will ever remember that I ever existed in the past?

Do this all true purpose of human life?

Do I think in such way or every body else?

Is it philosophical attitude or I am  running away from reality???

Am I going insane ????

May be, may be not.....!

Black Hole...!

pc

Frustration, anger and hopelessness is consuming my life. I am stuck, stuck, life has become stagnated.

I see, people are going ahead in life, but i am like the second needle of wall clock stuck, trying to move, but it doesn't get ahead.

Something is wrong with me or situations are wrong. I try hard, had, harder, but somehow, all my efforts are getting in vein.

I don't want everything from my life but at least kuch  to mile, jiske liye main apna full effort de rha hu.

Some times I think, all is written, Some one is playing  and messing up with our life, we are all toys, actors of his play, like he knows what will be outcome, but we don't.

All my dreams are shattering like broken glass. why, where was my fault? I try to find, but I find none.

Pessimism has become my natural tendency, I don't find excitement in my life any more.

PC

Life has become a black hole, like I am bored to hell.

Lost.....!!!!

Life has become aimless. No long term goal, nothing, just a boredom, going to work, coming back,  eating, sleeping then again same routine follows. I have tried to change, but not a single endeavor of mine has been converted into success.

People remember only the success stories. They give example of them.

I have tried but when you don't get what you want, a numbness, a lethargy, a passive attitude overpowers you  and you leave making further effort.

Now I am not having any goal, Not a single dream, failure has made me a negative person and I have left any hope to be rise again.

Somewhere I read: He who faces the more difficulties, the more hardship, he goes more higher in his life, but I am broken completely, broken to the point that I can't get repaired.

My heart is broken, Into how may pieces, I can't even count and remember.

No desire, No fighting, just accepting my defeat.

Every day I think of changing my attitude, Every day I try to find my passion, but I am lost, I am lost completely.

I see people, I see their faces, I know them, but no greetings, No Hi, Hello, like I am absentminded.

I am here, but I am not.

I am lost.....Lost to the point I can't find myself anywhere.

I am wounded....wounded to the point I can't be healed.

I am alone.....alone to the point I can't find company of any one comforting.

Some times I have confessed some one I liked. It took me a very much effort to confess them, that I really like them, I was not having any expectation, I didn't want any thing in return, What hurted  me, was they understood me wrong.

Life is harsh...truly it is. You don't get what you like..... You have to settle down and have to like, what you have got. That is the harsh reality, that is the hard truth, either you accept or not...!

I try to find where I am, but I find myself lost, Lost but where, I don't know.

I am not happy, I am not satisfied, but it's like I have left hope, I have no wishes any more for anything. Just a passive attitude, a sense of emptiness, a sense of mindlessness, a feeling of neutral attitude. I am left with nothing, I have no regret for anything, neither I have any complaint from anything.

Only thing I think sometimes that whatever I wished from my heart, may be it's career, may be it's friendship, may be it's love, I am getting despair and nothing is going in right direction.

I wonder, if I am wrong or the world is.

I wonder, if I  am complicated or the world is.

I wonder if it's mine fault or the world is.

I hate showing my negative attitude, I hate showing my true color, I hate  showing my true nature, I hate showing my miserable condition, because I know, people will not help, they will make fun of me.

World is cruel, it helps them, who are in good luck, there is no position for the persons undergoing hardship in their life.

Am I really facing hardship? I wonder. Or it's just made in my mind.

But I have to change, I have to change...but the courage is lost.

A wonder, a miracle can save me..and I am waiting for that miracle.

May be, May be not....!

Haiku:- Heart

Pathway deserted,
Lost keys, loads of memories,

My heart, your home awaits.

~ VP

A Haiku is a Japanese poem of seventeen syllables, in three lines of five, seven, and five; traditionally evoking images of the natural world

Hindi Poem: "Teri Yaad" written & recited by me...!

A very emotional poem written and recited by me. 

Hope you will like it.

 I hope some day, some how this will reach to her....!

अब भी तेरी यादें  मेरे दिल से जाती नहीं हैं ,

अब भी तेरी बातें मुझे दिलों-जां से याद आती हीं क्यों  हैं,

अब भी तेरी आँखो की गहराइयों में डूब जाने को दिल करता है,

अब भी तेरा चेहरा मेरी नज़रों से ओझल होता ही नहीं है।

हाँ, अब भी तुझे चाहने की वेबकूफीया मैं दिन में सौ बार करता हूँ।

हाँ, अब भी तेरी यादें  मेरे दिल से जाती नहीं हैं ,

हाँ,  अब भी तेरी बातें मुझे दिलों-जां से याद आती हीं क्यों  हैं,

हाँ , अब भी तेरी आँखो की गहराइयों में डूब जाने को दिल करता है,

हाँ, अब भी तेरा चेहरा मेरी नज़रों से ओझल होता ही नहीं है।

हाँ, अब भी दिल झूठी तस्सली देता है, की तुम भी मुझे याद करती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी कभी भूल से ही सही, कभी मेरा नाम लेती तो होगी, 

हाँ,  अब भी कभी मेरे पागलपन को तुम सहेलियों में बतियाती तो होगी,

हाँ , अब भी कभी वो पेड़ के नीचे सीमेंट का बेंच तुम्हे मेरी कमी का एहसास दिलाता तो होगा। 

 हाँ , अब भी तुम डाँस क्लास के बाद उसी रास्ते से   हॉस्टल तक आती तो होगी,

हाँ , अब भी तुम उस रास्ते के फ्रूट शॉप वाले भैया से दाम कम करवाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी तुम चाट वाले से तीखा चाट खा कर, आंसू की धारा बहाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी तुम वो रास्ते के मंदिर पे रुक कर, आँखे बंद कर सर झुकाती तो होगी।

हाँ, अब  भी हॉस्टल के छत पे तुम तारों भरी रात में जाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी तुम  उन तारों से मेरी नादानियाँ  बतियाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी चाँद तेरी खूबसूरती से शरमा  कर बादलों की ओट में छुपता तो होगा,

हाँ , अब भी हवा तेरे जुल्फों को मंद मंद सहलाती तो होगी। 

हाँ, अब भी तुम अकेले में अपने किताबो को खोल कर मेरे पत्रो को पाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी तुम मेरे बेनामी प्रेम पत्रों को अपने सखियों को पढ़ाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी उन्हें पढ़ कर, तुम होंठो की हँसी को दांतों तले दबाती तो होगी,

हाँ, अब भी मेरा इजहारे मुहब्बत तुम्हारे दिल की धड़कनों की रफ़्तार बढाती तो होंगी।

हाँ, अब भी मैं तुम्हे छूप कर उस रास्ते से जाते देखता ही तो हूँ,

हाँ, अब भी मैं तुम्हे फिर से अपने बांहों में भरने को तड़पता ही तो हूँ,

हाँ, अब भी मै आँखे बंद कर तुम्हे अपने पास ही पाता ही तो  हूँ,

हाँ, अब भी तेरी जुल्फों की घनी छाँव में सोने को ललचाता ही तो हूँ। 

हाँ, क्यों वक़्त ने दूरियों का रेगिस्तान बिछा डाला हमारे प्यार की सुनहरी बगिया में ,

हाँ, क्यों तुमने भी जाने कौन सी मज़बूरियों में अपनी राहें अलग बना डाली ,

हाँ, क्यों मैं भी लाख चाह कर भी रोक ना सका तुम्हे जाने से,

हाँ, फिर क्यों आज भी मैं तेरी हर छोटी सी याद दिल की गहराइयों में संजोये बैठा हूँ। 

हाँ, क्यों किताबो में भी तेरा चेहरा मुझे नज़र आता क्यों है,

हाँ, क्यों अब भी तेरी तस्वीर  मैं बनाता ही क्यों हूँ,

हाँ , क्यों दीवारो को उन तस्वीरों से मैं सजाता क्यों हूँ,

हाँ, क्यों तेरी उन तस्वीरों  से घंटो तेरे बारे में ही मैं बतियाता क्यों हूँ। 

हाँ, शायद वक़्त ने कुछ खेल ही तो खेला है मेरे साथ में,

हाँ, शायद दुनिया की नज़र ही तो लग गयी हमारे प्यार में,

हाँ, शायद तेरी याद मुझे उतने शिद्दत से अब तड़पाती नहीं हैं,

हाँ शायद  मैं भी पत्थर सा बनता ही जा रहा हूँ धीरे -धीरे से। 

हाँ, बड़ी कोशिश करता हूँ तेरे सामने ना आने की,

हाँ, खुद से भी झगड़ता हूँ तुझसे गिले ना करने की,

हाँ, बड़ी कोशिश करता हूँ तेरी हर एक बात भूलाने की,

हाँ, खुद को ही सजा देता हूँ हर दिन थोड़ा थोड़ा मर के जीने की । 

हाँ, कह भी नहीं सकता सामने तेरे आकर ही ,

हाँ, रह भी नहीं सकता तुम्हे एक नज़र दूर से देखे बिना ही,

हाँ, कोशिश भी करता हूँ तुम्हे भूल जाने की,

हाँ, फिर भी तुम मेरी यादों से कभी एक पल को जाती नहीं हो। 

हाँ, पागल था, हूँ, या हो गया हूँ, कौन जाने,

हाँ, दीवाना था, हूँ या हो गया हूँ, कौन जाने ,

हाँ, तुम पे मरता था,या अब भी मरता हूँ कौन जाने,

हाँ, तुम्हे चाहता था, या अब भी चाहता हूँ कौन जाने। 

वक़्त ने भर दी है  कड़वाहट सी जिंदगी में,

कुछ भी अच्छा लगता ही नहीं है, बगैर तेरे जीने में,

कोशिश भी करता हूँ खुद को व्यस्त रखने में,

फिर भी  तेरे जाने का गम ख़त्म होता नहीं है सीने में। 

हाँ, अब भी मैं नादान दिल को दिलासायें देता हूँ,

हाँ, अब भी तेरे वापस  लौटने की राहें देखता हूँ।

हाँ, अब भी सपनो में मैं तुझे ही पाता ही हूँ,

हाँ, अब भी तुझे चाहने की वेबकूफीया मैं दिन में सौ बार करता हूँ। 

क्युंकि, तुम्हे, बस तुम्हे,

हर पल हर लम्हा, 

मैं प्यार करता हूँ,

हाँ, प्यार करता हूँ।

-V. P. "नादान" 

    

  

 

    

  

mystery still unsolved..!

I saw, I am sleeping on my bed, I feel free, I can go anywhere,  I am very light, even when my body is not moving, even it is in deep sleep, I began to relax. I began to analyse everything. 

I am happily surprised. I can analyze and see through past and present and can think much faster. I can control my thoughts much better. I moved out from my room. I saw the world. I saw people moving. 

I saw day and night passing and with them, one by one each day of life of mine, life of yours, life of every human being, life of every living creature, even life of non-living passing and one day each will fall, one day each will fade, one day time will close the present scene from its stage and will play a new drama, a new scene, with new characters and new story. 

We all are going to somewhere, may be in another world, may be in another dimension, may be in nowhere, but we all live, we all fight, we all crave for our limitless desires like we are here forever, and all our’s will be our’s for ever.

I am amused at the stupidity of human nature. Animals don’t give it a thought. Even a carnivore doesn’t kill all his prey greedily, he only does when he is hungry, even he doesn’t harm any one unnecessary, he only does when his territory is disturbed. 

Then where we so called intelligent creature Human being stand for? Why we all are running and collecting piles of material, which are also going to fade, as we are. 

For one second, I thought, am I dead? I didn’t feel horrified at this thought. It doesn’t seem to be so bad, if I am dead. But I am not. 

I am just seeing a dream, very unusual one. And somehow my mind, my soul is free to roam around.

I saw whole world is doing the same. Running, fighting, crying, craving, and then all ends and again a new world creates and then this process never ends, it is going on from very ancient time, still going on, and will be in future also.

Am I running away from my responsibilities?

I asked myself. No, I am not. People who are acquainted with me, know, I have done some good work, I have a decent job, I have a good salary, I am taking responsibility of mine, I am in process of collecting money, and all that, which it can buy. Overall I am not running behind the world, I am running in between them.

Then why, it seems, it is not, it was not, it can never be the ultimate goal of human being. Why it seems, we are not here for it? Why it seems, God has sent each one for some goals?

God, does it exists? 

I feel free. No fear, no guilty feeling to doubt the existence of god! I can question about him, about anything, and it’s my right to know the truth.

Tring Tring Tring…

I opened my eyes, three missed call from office! Lunch break is over..!

Boss calling!

And I came out of my room to go to office….!

Someday I will able to solve this mystery.

जब रात केअंधेरे में जुगनू भी कहीं खो जाते हैं....!!!!!

जब रात के सन्नाटों में, सारी दुनिया नींद के आग़ोश में सो जाती है,

तब मैं ही मेरे साथ, तेरे बारे में बातें किया करता हूँ। 

जब रात के अंधेरे में जुगनू भी कहीं खो जाते हैं,

तब भी मैं ही मेरे साथ, तेरे जाने के रास्ते पे रौशनी किये जाता हूँ। 

तेरा इंतजार.....!!!

शायद तेरी तरह मुझे इश्क़ करना ही ना आ पाया,

शायद तेरी  तरह मुझे झूठी हँसी बिखेरना ही ना आ पाया।

शायद तेरी तरह मुझे महत्वाकांक्षाओं का पहाड़ चढ़ना ना आ पाया,

 शायद तेरी तरह मुझे चेहरे पर हर रोज़ एक नया नाक़ाब ओढ़ना ना आ पाया। 

तुम कब के थे गए जिस रास्ते से, अंजान, हँसते खेलते बेखबर से,

और हमें आज भी उस मोड़ पे, तेरा इंतजार करना तक छोड़ना ना आ पाया।

                                              

- V. P. "नादान"

ज़ख़्म..!!!

चल, भूल उसे, जिसने भी,  दिए हों  तुझको  लाख ज़ख़्म,

मत ढूँढ उसे, जो लगाये, तेरे उन जख्मो पे मरहम।

तू  मिल उनसे, जो खुद हैं जख्मी,

जाकर लगा उनके जख्मों पर मरहम।

शायद तेरे जख्मों को भी , मिल जाए,

कहीं सुकून और आराम।

Prologue Part-II

U can read previous post of the prologue is in this link:
http://imlostsoul.blogspot.in/2012/08/prologue_24.html
 

 

Am i responsible for all of this?

am i?

i don’t know. only thing i know is i am feeling weakness, and slow pain on my left hand, which increases suddenly and sends a sharp shot of pain to mind and then automatically slows down. it’s like some one is banging on my head continuously and i am hardly making myself awake.

then a nurse come with another packet of blood in his hand and she changes nearly empty packet with new one.

have i done wrong?

i don’t know.

doctor asks me again.

how u feeling right now Vijay?

i am silent. i am staring his face, trying to configure,when and where we have met each other earlier.

i didn’t answer his question.

yes, i have met him once, in the OPD, with her, when she was ill, her stomach was upset and doctor has prescribed some medicine.

      
She came in my thoughts and everything got re winded just in a fraction of second. just in a fraction of second, and all i can remember, each and everything associated with her.

i got answers of all my burning questions and the night, two days before flashes in front of me, just like slides of  photos.

     
I understand, why my parents has come here in so hurry and why they are so worried about me. why my mother is crying so much. why my father is angry. why he has pity on me. why his face shows so much concern.

     I am responsible for all this. yes, i am responsible for their grief and sorrow. they don’t deserve a son like me. they deserve a son, who would make them proud, who would excel in his  life and here, they have a unsuccessful, defeated, and coward person as their son.

     
I am defeated from my life. 
i am unsuccessful in my duties. 
i am coward, who wanted to kill his life.

i see their faces and for one second, i repented, they don’t deserve to suffer for me, they shouldn’t had to come for me.

     
who called them and why?

     
it’s my life and i am alone responsible for all the disaster,which i am creating in my life.

Their face, sunk in grief, and i repent, i shouldn’t destroy my life, as their life is also connected with mine, i am not alone and free to do, what i want to.

this feeling evaporates so soon and i am stuck in my memories, my past and my present.

Door bell rings and my father goes out and he comes and asks me, your friends want to meet you. 
and i deny, i shout,“no i don’t want to meet anyone. i  want to be alone”.

He is stunned. he is not able to tell a single word.

perhaps, people on the other side of door hear me and then no one came. i takes a breath of relief.

     
doctor request my parents to go outside. he sits on the table,where my mother was sitting just minutes before. he stares me continuously. may be he is going to give a long lecture. he clears his throats. i am also staring him back. i should be ashamed, but i am shameless. i should be feared,but i am fearless.

he asks me: 
are you the same vijay, i met first time? 
i want to tell him, that the vijay,he knew, has died long time ago and i am not him, i am changed,she is changed,and so is my world.

i keep quiet.

what he want to hear as my reply. i remain silent.

he gets irritated and trying to retain his composure.

“do you know, how much destruction you have done to your body, your mind and your soul?” 
i nodded yes.

why you tried to kill yourself?

i am confused. 
i have guessed, he is going to give a lecture, but he is putting questions and questions and question, who i cant answer, or i don’t have their reply.

he tells again, you have damaged your liver so much, you have damaged your stomach so much, you have damaged your lungs so much. you have just saved from a major blood loss. you are just saved.

i want to shout at him, why you saved me, have i asked you to do. but i am staring him.

he picks up report of various tests and shows them to me, what i supposed to do with them, dispose them in trash, or burn them to ashes,as your wish.

he reads LFT test, he reads blood test, he reads test, their name i even feel difficult to pronounce.

     
i smile, test, so difficult to pronounce and he sees me, he becomes silent, he has seen me smiling. his face shows irritation and anger.

      
what i supposed to do. i am confused.

he put them on the table, almost occupied with medicines, saline bottle, syrenze, and blood pressure machine.

he tells, have u any idea, how much bad your parents feeling, due to your  this foolishness.

running away from life, such a cowardly decision, shame on you....it hurts to see a younger person like you, taking such steps.

      
i feels, he is right. but  do he know, she hurted  more than i have done with myself.

     
 i hope u will not attempt it again.

     
 i am speechless, staring blankly to the wall.

     
 he goes out of my room. and i am alone.

     
 i am laughing on myself,i am laughing on my foolishness, i am laughing on the situation.

i am laughing on how many reason, i don’t know even.

then i feel sad. i feel so sad.

i want to go away, i want to run away from the bed, from the room, from the hospital. i am feeling fear. i am tensed. i want to go to some other place,where i don’t know. just let me go away from here, from medicine, from blood, from doctor, from my parents, from every thing. to some where, i would be unknown to every one.

      
but before going away from here, i want to know, does she know, where i am?

     
 but before going away from here, i want to know, does she know, how i am?

     
 but before going way from here, i want to know, have she changed her mind?

     
 but before going away from here, i want to see her once.

     
 i call my parents and they come fast, they are worried.

 i ask my father, if she came to see me?

 he asks, who?

 i say, she,jyothi.

 he says, only boys came to see you, no girl was there.

 i feel dumb headed.

 she didn’t come to see me, even i was about to die.

 would she come, if i would have died.

 no,she wouldn’t.

 she wud be.

 no, she wudn’t.
why she should come?

to see me, how i am doing?

i knew, she will never come again.

she will never come again. 
 but................!!!!!



Note: There is a long story to tell...it would take minimum of 200 blog post to complete the whole story,a love story of Vijay and Jyothi...not all love stories end in the happiness and bliss...some may turn into disaster..like some one  may end up like the Vijay of this story....is the hopelessness, despair, and failure is the ultimate end??...does life  stops progressing? or it will find a way to move ahead...! will Vijay move on and get finally peace of his mind ??? many more chapter to come....!
thanx for reading..! and waiting for your valuable comments...!



Note:previous part of the prologue is in this link:
http://imlostsoul.blogspot.in/2012/08/prologue_24.html

Disclaimer:This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.