Showing posts with label memoir. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memoir. Show all posts

Wednesday, 28 December 2016

Fear of changes...!

Why do I feel like, I am close to no body. Hiding even the tiniest emotions and thoughts from everybody. Independence, no boundation, no stings, no back links, like completely alone in a whole crowd, like a stranger in a town fair, faces of different colors, people of different types, but I don't know them, or avoiding them, or ignoring them. What has happened to me. I hadn't wanted to end up like the way I have become.

Yes, change is the need and law of the world, with time every thing changes, but I am not even having control over myself, the way I have evolved. Alone, aloof, and the worst part is I don't want to change myself, even knowing that this is drowning me inside.

Perhaps I have lost faith on myself, and there is no one else to blame for. Life is not bed of roses and every body don't get what he wants. And we have to compromise and have to learn to be happy in what we have got. And we must learn to appreciate the little things we got, and be happy in that.

But I am too greedy, business mind person. I want every thing in my life perfect, which can't be achieved otherwise.

And I have nothing to say, share, discuss with people, even close to me, like complete void in my mind, blankness, nothing is there, totally black, and I hate it to show them how alone I feel inside. A constant feeling of failure haunts me, like I am underachiever or something.

I know I need to relax myself, I should open myself, I have to change myself, But I fear the changes.

May be some day I will, but when I don't know !!!

Wednesday, 21 December 2016

Is it real: No desires, no passion, no expectation, no jealously...nothing is there....!

Day by day life is getting more complicated. Am I taking life too seriously or really it is getting harder and harder? The biggest loss is I have lost my dreams. No dreams at all. I fear having a dream. No dream at all. No expectation. No goal. Nothing from life, world or person. A saddening loneliness prevails in my mind. A habit to live alone has kept me so deep that I fear even intermingling with people I don't like. It's like i don't want to put mask on my face, It's like I have become straightforward and don't fit in the rules of world. to be pretend to something else. May be world has moved so fast,  People are more practical and I am being too childish or idealist I don't know.


Today or tomorrow, every body you think you are close to is going to hurt you knowingly or unknowingly and its true somehow I am thinking to believe over it.

A deep loss, I have lost my passion. I fear moving to unknown territories of any type. Fears of failures haunt me even when they have not come yet. Past experiences have kept their effect on me so badly, I am unable to take decisions right now. I now doubt my decisions, based on outcomes of my previous decisions, weather the next one I will take, will be better for me or not, I don't know.

A flair, a motivation may be negative or positive, a competitive attitude, jealousy, learning....nothing is left with me....only a cold dead attitude of letting everything go.....let it be as it is....like i am  defeated. A sadness has scared so deep in my heart, it is unable to heal anyhow.

I see, people are moving ahead in their life, but with me, I am stuck fully, no desires, no dreams. nothing. this so cold attitude, i dread over so much changes in me.

Desires I have lost them. is it sign of concern or I am getting mature?

I am getting so f***g insane...!! The self discovery is haunting.....! Is it the reality of life??


Thursday, 2 July 2015

Journey matters at all.....!


Image source: http://www.fotoblur.com/imgs/0/0/3/1/4/9/0/459524.jpg?v=0

Wen u start some thing new.....
don't try to imitate exactly wot others doing.... 
U do wot u wanna do.....
either u will reach skies....
or u will go to down earth....
bt in both ways its sure, 
u r gonna travel a lot of distance... 
n JOURNEY is wot matters at all....
destination changes with change in priorities...!

Tuesday, 5 May 2015

Yes! i left it unfinished...!


Getting disappointment in whatever endeavor u did hearty,
Can make a person really angry and weak.
but is only destination is the ultimate goal?
And the journey doesn't matter after all?
Is the result decide, whether hard work we did or not?

I did.
I tried.
I failed.
I cried.

I searched the reason.
why I couldn't make it.
and I find no one.
Not a single MBA call converted.

may be I have to cool down.
may be I have to make up my mind.
may be I have to slow down.
may be I have to let it go.

Too much sorrow.
Too much disappointment.
Too much anger.
Too much frustration.

But then what? what to do?
Can i change my fate?
Can i change my result?
Can i hide the fact that i am not selected.

Even writing this out can't make me chill.
I have to accept that i am rejected.
There wud be some fault.
There wud be better candidate than me.

Life doesn't give us always,
what we want.
We have to be content with,
what ever we got.

May be sometimes we have to be behind every one,
to start a fresh new race,
May be we have to accept defeat,
to get some other major win.

Life is not always happy ending story to tell,
Life is not always poem to sing,
Life is not always game to play,
But who has taken all with him, after he left?

I wish, i wud think much better than this,
I wish, i had patience not to write so frustrated lines,'
I wish, i have hope to cope up with my failures,
I wish, i have ......but i don't.

Friday, 10 April 2015

may be she does exits some where, may be she doesn't.

After so much time i am compelled to write.
I don't want to, but i have no option.
i was busy, very busy, a goal was keeping me occupied, and that is over. all my MBA interviews are over.
And all i have with me is an emptiness, like i don't have any thing else to do. it's time to get relaxed after so much hectic time, office, target from office, study, preparing for interview, then running Kolkata and Mumbai for  interviews. and it's over. 10th April, last interview of season, Nitie Mumbai is over.
Most of them i have screwed.
hope, it has left me. aise bhi having no hope is better than having hope. 
it doesn't disappoint us.
But i am afraid. what if i don't convert any of good call.
Does it matter so much.
come on, nothing is so much important in life.
Destiny must have thought something good for me.
Something good, may be in future.
Suddenly i feel so alone.


i go out side.
i run.
i run after at least 4-5 month.
no physical activities from nearly 4-5 months.
i feel exhausted. 
i feel very bad.
i need  to work out.
i am out of form.
i run faster.
i breathe faster.
i stop.
i sat on the ground.
i see the flood light.
i feel good.
i am tired.
my face is red.
but i feel good.
i feel lightness.
i need a long term goal to keep me occupied.
i need a passion to keep me fascinated.
i need an addiction to keep me out of thought.


may be i need some one in my life badly.

some one, who is  close  to my heart.
some one, who can like me, in spite of all my flaws.
some one, whose smile get me forget all my worries.
i think i am being insane.
or i am too much occupied in my thoughts.
may be may be not.
may be she does exits some where,
may be she doesn't.
may be she is just my imagination.
may be i am too ideal for this world.
may be i am just a lost writer,
just a poet,
just a alone person.
may be,
may be not.

Wednesday, 18 March 2015

Two strangers- Part-I



IMAGE SOURCE : http://www.google.co.in/imgres?imgurl=http://sagita.rocks/images/285142-teen-girl-crying.jpg&imgrefurl=http://sagita.rocks/285155-girl-crying-alone&h=465&w=468&tbnid=W-YP2u9Fxud8nM:&zoom=1&docid=XpI_4rOnQcySGM&ei=v9kJVayLPMaNuATW-IDgCg&tbm=isch&ved=0CFcQMyhPME84ZA


She is crying. She is sobbing. Her parents try to pamper her. She hugs her mother tight, tight, tighter. Another girl, she has also tear in her eyes. 

IMAGE SOURCE: http://wallpapers-diq.org/wallpapers/21/Artistic_Portrait_of_Beautiful_Girl_Crying.jpg

Two families and two girls, they are not girls, they are beautiful young ladies, must be in their 22-23, and they are crying, sobbing, weeping hard. 
IMAGE SOURCE: http://i952.photobucket.com/albums/ae1/Tearfallz/crying-girl-1.gif

Train is about to start. 
Their parents hug them. 
They leave. 
I feel much uneasy. I hate tears at all. I hate them on me as well as on others. They reminds me of the days, when I was weak, so weak emotionally, I used to cry alone in my room, closed room, behind doors, I shouldn’t, a man has to be strong, he shouldn’t cry, but I used to, when I was vulnerable.

I think of asking these young ladies, why they are crying so much. Specially the 2nd one, deep eyes, filled with tear, and they are falling nonstop.  I think of, but I shouldn’t. I look into her eyes. Our eyes met, but she doesn’t care, if other passenger are watching her or not. I feel much stressed. I cursed myself for switching my seat with an old man, leaving my lower birth in another compartment.
Train begins to run fast, fast, faster. Her cries are lost in the noise of the train. But she is still crying. I feel suffocated. I can’t see anyone crying. 
The happiness, the eagerness to attend my IIM-Lucknow interview call is about to fade in the current situation. 
I open my laptop. I read today’s The Hindu newspaper. But my mind is not on the paper. I steal a look towards her. I look from the corner of my eyes. Her tears have made a trails on her beautiful face. Her eyes looks like she has just done kajal on them. But it is not kajal, it is her tears, which cause her eyes to look like covered with kajal. At least she is not crying anymore so loudly. 
I feel relieved.



To be continued.

Sunday, 28 December 2014

(# Love yourself # 01) ~ Forgive yourself for your mistakes and stop being hard on yourself..!

Yes ! I agree Guruji..! Our mind is like a super computer, or you can say much more superior and complex than it. technically it has also RAM and ROM type of memory. But then why, some events, we are not able to forget?

He argued to his mentor or Assistant teacher, he met him during a ten days Vipasana course, a retired professor. And on Sunday, he and many people like him sit together and practice together, it's like a brotherhood, a brotherly feeling for all, for the world.
 And he has many questions to ask, and he never stops asking and arguing, until he is satisfied with the answers.

Suppose your hand is tied to a pole, and you try to move, will you? until you either  open or break your chains??, Guruji questioned back.

Image source: http://www.leahdipascal.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/BrokenChains-500x285.jpg

No! I have to set myself free, i have to break or open the chain. then i will able to move from that place, he said in affirmation.

Yes! you are very near to the solution of your question. The truth. the memories, the events, who haunt you, who make you upset, who create turbulence in your mind, they are just like chains, and you are mentally tied to them dear. Acknowledge your mistakes, accept them, accept them as they are, accept that you did them, and you are prone to do mistake and in future you will do again. then half of your problems end. If you accept that you are just like every one and doing mistakes in life is normal thing, then you will learn the art of being calm in any situation. and if you remain calm, you will able to forgive yourself for doing those mistakes and you will have a softer attitude towards yourself. And if you stop hating, cursing yourself, automatically you will start loving yourself. Yor alone are the best judge, best defense, and  best prosecution. And if you accept yourself, you see yourself, you will create a vibes of change around you. If you forget your past mistake, it means you are breaking your mental chains, and now you are free to move, free to discover new path, you are free from unusual and unnecessary burden, and a new dawn will begin.   
 

Thursday, 25 December 2014

RISE..RISE..RISE ABOVE YOUR FEARS..! AND SHINE....!

Monday 9:30 AM


I am fully prepared to attend my first interview of "XYZ" MNC came to campus. 
White shirts, black pant, tie, folder, there is a huge crowd of students in the placement cell. 
People are discussing: total 4 rounds, technical, aptitude, GD then personal interview. Some were very excited to about the company, 6 lac CTC at the time of joining, some were serious. 
I sat on the chair along with 100 students. A huge crowd for 2-3 selection. Is not it?
I am nervous too. Winter and I am sweating. My leg were trembling inside my trouser. 
Why? 
Is this job so important to me? 
Yes! It is! 
Perhaps I am taking too much tension! I tried to calm myself. 
1st round results: I have cleared. 
2nd round results: I have cleared it also. 
3rd round result: Whoa..! I have won. 
Now success was one step ahead to me. I was on the list of finalist with 8 other students. 
My name was called and I entered in the interview hall of placement cell. 6 people in a row and I sat in front of them. Seeing the Vice president of the company, who I haven't seen till the moment today was a surprise. And they started firing questions one by one. 
1st question was about my looks:

"Didn't you have time to shave your beard?" 

I didn't pay attention to shave before appearing for interview. i felt like, my confidence level is going down.

I felt shiver and hotness both inside my body. And I felt like running outside at once. I was unable to give reply. As if I was not able to speak, in spite of answers I knew. 10 minutes seemed to me as 10 years. I came back, and result was out. I was not selected obviously.

I returned to my room and lie to my room and tried to analyze, what went wrong. I have fears of interview, in spite of being topped in technical 1st round, I failed in personal interview section, why?

Bcoz i didn't pay attention towards clean and neat looks.

Some thing was seriously wrong. 

FEAR! 
FEAR OF FAILURE....! 
FEAR OF PERSONAL INTERVIEW....! 
Image Source: http://addictionawareness.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Fear.egg_28d661.jpg

AND I HAVE TO OVERCOME IT. 
I HAVE TO WIN OVER IT. 
I HAVE TO RISE ABOVE MY FEARS...! 
image source: http://www.dieselsc.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/fear-is-in-your-head1.jpg

Everybody has fears....and they haunt them, may be they seem very little to others, but for that person, ask him, and he will tell. I decided to win....! i slept on the bed. And took a deep breath. And tried to sleep. 

----------------------------------- 
30 days have passed. 10 more company has come to our campus. But i haven't sat for any of them. Average CTC and my dream company is scheduled to come after 10 days. My batch mates and close friends have tried to warn me not to miss any opportunities of other companies, but i have decided, i will win on my D-Day. 
------------------------------------------------------------------------ 
Finally waiting is over. 
My dream company is in campus. 

I was fully prepared this time. not to repeat the past mistake. I went to the saloon to have a decent hair cut and clean shave before the D-day, and i saw the change in my looks and this increased my confidence level.
And as usual other rounds i have cleared well. Now personal interview. 
image source: http://refe99.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Stop-letting-fear-rule-your-life.jpg

I HAVE TO WIN. 
I HAVE TO RISE. 
I HAVE TO SHINE. 
I HAVE TO SHED MY ANXIETIES. 
I HAVE TO WIN OVER MY FEARS. 

Still I haven't told anybody about my past interview experience. 
I knew, people are more interested to laugh than to help. 

I called my roommate, my best friend. And I told him about fears. 
He is angry, not to telling him earlier. 

There was 2 hour time still to start the interview. We came outside the placement cell. And to the old canteen, which is far from our placement cell. There was no any of our batch mates. Only 2-3, 1st year’s students, as it is nearer to their classroom. And they were busy in attending class. 

We sat on the table near the tree. He ordered two coffee. And we chat. We chat about our 1st interaction in the college. We chat about our 1st ragging or interaction with seniors. We chat about sharing our crush on the same b'ful girl, still we didn't have a fight for her. We chat about watching all the TV series on the laptop together. We chat about all the happy moments in the college. 

Then he told to call my parents. And I called my parents. And I talked to them. Not a single word about interview. Normal talk. and another round of coffee. I became calm. 
image source: http://sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/keep-calm-and-face-your-fears-1.png

He told me, don't have an expectation. Don't worry about result. Talk to them, as if I am sitting in front of you, and you are talking to me. Tell them, if you know the answers, and if you not, you don't have to be worried. 

image source: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwR83NwxgcpyI-HzH2ITEymkhbg2UunItuBW-q9fIt0NKDMh0TFQSOxkyeo4OkmPvjwpK0RNuQ9Pkcf3E0OrD8Rd0QaWzJuKksH691qtcmzLv3jwGsVEb29dpkTPTgETvTWbjrTvv3aM0/s1600/winston+churchill+quotes.jpg




Still there was 0.5 hour. I think, we have to go back, I told. Then we returned back to the placement cell. 

My turn, and next moment I was inside the hall, in front of 7 interviewer. I wished them. And for one second, i imagined, they are people just like us too, they are like my friends, and they are not here to humiliate me, they are here to select me, and then i imagined the moment of watching the happiness on my parents face, when they got to know about my selection. 
 And I felt, my fears are turning to an ant size from a big monster. 
YES! I HAVE WON MY FEARS. 
YES! I HAVE RISEN ABOVE MY FEARS. 
YES! I HAVE GOT SELECTED IN MY DREAM JOB.! 


This post is a part of #WillYouShave activity at BlogAdda in association with Gillette.

I’m accepting and acknowledging the tag of Vartika Goyal through this post 
  

Topics for Girls:
An instance when a stubble came in the way of a man’s chance to make a good impression.
An instance when a well groomed look ensured that they struck gold on an opportunity given to them.
Topics for Guys:
Missed chances- Stories or instances where you missed out on an opportunity because of a non-shaven face.
Luck or Confidence?- Will you leave your fate in the hands of destiny or will you step up and say yes to a well-groomed face to be at your best everyday? #WillYouShave.

Thursday, 18 December 2014

A Travel to the Lap of nature



Frankly speaking, sometimes I realize, both of us employed in an MNC, and living in Gurgaon, we don’t have much time for our children. 

Hi, I am V.P., lucky father of two wonderful children, Meeta and Akash. Meeta is 10 years old and studying in Std. Four and Akash is just 6, in std. one, still finds excuses to miss the school, and off course my wife Sunanada, best mother, wife, daughter, best of both world, excelling everywhere, professional or personal life. 

Most of time, most of people like us, living in Metro city, coming late from office, after so much hasty and busy day, we end up providing all modern facilities like TV, Play stations, games, laptop, internet, android phones to our children, no personal care and quality time. But I am lucky enough to have Sunanada in my life, who just takes care of everything in my life and even takes care of our children in every possible way, a mother can, even after coming from hectic office hours.

So this is the story of summer vacation of this year. One day both of our children came home, and excitedly they announced that their summer vacation is going to start and will last for 1 months.

My loving wife hugged them and gave them one glass of milk, enriched with chocolate flavour. Meeta was all asking about, where we were going to spend our summer vacation this year, and younger Akash was also following her sister, speaking in his cute voice.

Sunanada after giving her a thought, told the children, we are going to your grandmother place for ten days.
Meeta and Akash exclaimed with joy and I have to look for dates, leave application, and reservation for our family.
Finally I am on the train with my family.

First time our children were going to my very native place Sherghati, where my parents, uncle aunt, my cousin brothers and many children of the family lives. A big home surrounded by garden, having many kinds of fruit trees, flowers and other vegetation, it make me remember my own childhood days, where we used to roam in the mango garden, riding on the mango tree and plucking the ripe mango and relishing its sweetest taste. I wanted my children to live those days at least for 10 days.

“Where are you lost”, my wife asked. And I came back in present.

Next morning we arrived at our destination. My cousin has sent vehicle already and sat inside and it began to move towards home. I was happy, roads are now made of concrete, at our time, and my daughter was busy in watching the fields, crops, cattle, birds, which she has just read in her books. I was filled with joy, a fresh air came inside the vehicle, more refreshing than any AC.
After 1 hour journey, we arrived at our home, I was amused to see that condition of electricity has improved, 20 hours electricity in a village, most of houses are made of concrete, and the peace around gave a relaxation and smile  to all of us. Our parents and family welcomed us, and my children were soon, busy with 10-12 kids around our home. 
My younger brother was also there. This is going to best summer trip ever. We settled and began to relax.

Next day at 5 AM:

We were on the way to visit our mango garden, having 100 trees in total, laden with the best mangoes of our area.
Image source: http://jaigurunurserygarden.com/images/fruit-plants/mango-tree1.jpg
We arrived and sat on the wooden khat under a mango tree. 
 
Image Source: http://mugup.info/appimg/Mango-Varieties/Heidi.jpg

Image Source: https://morningjoy.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/mango-bounty.jpg?w=774

The freshness of air, the aroma of different types of mangoes, and the sweet voice of Cuckoo, and then my son imitating cuckoo, my daughter asking SriKumar, care taker of garden, for mangoes, and the smile on my wife face, I thought the time to stop here forever. 


My brother, his wife Rekha and their children Rakhi and Suresh were happy to find us around them this year. And soon Srikumar gave us cool sugarcane juice and then ripe golden mango to eat.
We spent whole afternoon there, eating mangoes, then fresh watermelon, cucumber and in evening we returned back to our home, where my mother was busy in preparing Litti Chokha, traditional food of Bihar.

My children were very happy and busy, away from the crowd of a city, exploring and observing the tiny detail of the village and my brother’s children were telling all the details, as they have come here many times.

Days were passing very fast, sometimes we visiting to sugarcane field, sometime visiting the old historical place of some kingdom near our village, and having picnic.

One day early in the morning we planned to visit the BaijuDham.
we arrived at the river and bent to touch the water at the bank.
i saw something.

My reflection smiled, I didn’t.

As i was lost in past, in nostalgia. my reflection was dancing with the waves, with ripple and i was re-living the life at that time at that place.  
A place where I used to go with friends, bunking our class, and spending whole day, swimming in the river, going to the top of the hill near the hill, eating guavas, from the nearby garden. 
Image Source: http://www.thetexasrambler.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/2012-Fall-Foliage-Ride-219.jpg

The river’s water is still fresh and pure and we enjoyed whole day in river, playing water games, swimming and then made picnic on the hill. 
 
Image Source: http://www.novascotiaparks.ca/images/day-parks/Green-Hill.jpg
The view around the surrounding was great. we were amazed to see green vegetation, gardens, river flowing like serpent, sky and clouds,as overall they created a wonderful picturesque. My wife told the story to children, how a Shivling was emerged on the hill one night and then place was named as BiajuDham. After some day people from archaeological dept. came and they found remaining of a big temple after some excavation. There was effort from both the government and local people to re-establish it as a place to visit.
Children were listening very carefully and it was a nice watch to witness the curiosity on their cute face and their non ending innovative, sometime unanswerable questions. 

Most of the night, children were busy and spending night with my mother, listening stories and then sleeping there itself. It also provided some best together precious moments together.

How ten days passed, and again we have to be back in our life, we said bye to everyone and returned back to city, having satisfied to spend great quality time with our family, and a memorable vacation for our children where they not only enjoyed, but also learned much more than books and TV can provide them.
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