Lost Soul : Vipaasna Medtiation- Away from world..... in search of

Hi friends,

I would like to thank you for Voting this topic for the Indispire.

experience about A 7 days experiment to stay away from all modern gadgets and apps like mobile, laptop-computers, internet, social networking, E-games and how you spent that time? with family? traveled? meditated, anything you experienced. #7dayexperiment

from 2nd September to 12th September 2014, I attended Vipaasana meditation,a 10 days residential meditation program. it was the best and hardest ten days of my life.

Vipassana originates in India from the teachings of the Buddha more than 2,500 years ago. Over the years it has been diluted and modified in other parts of the world, but has been practiced in its pure form in Myanmar. The Myanmar version as taught bySri S.N. Goenka, has spread globally in recent years thanks to the positive results reported from the practice and its easy accessibility. It’s open to people of all races and religions and provided on a donation basis. it requires some tough rule and regulations and being away from all modern gadget, books, even speaking is not allowed is one of them.

So I put this idea for Indispire and it got selected. Now I have to write all about it.

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What I still want from my life, I don’t know. An aversion towards everything, an apathy towards everything has become part of my character. Something has changed inside me, and it didn’t happened in some days, it took time and I let it do this, and here I am complete disaster.

“Come On! You are not only one failed, failed in love,failed in life, everybody fails, everybody struggles, everybody has boring life, hectic and boring job, family issues, you are not the only one, life itself is so much unpredictable, and you have to be satisfied with what you have got”, my mind was continuously trying to teach me simple this lesson.

But somehow I know, this doesn’t work for me. This never works for me, and it will never. Yes! I am proud of, what I have become, and I don’t regret.

I am adamant, mad, and don’t know what else I have become. I am loosing interest towards everything. It’s just a vacuum is created around me, and I am drowning in it.

Life has never been easy for everyone, we have to take pain and change things as per our needs, but it all happens, if we have the will power to change it, if we want to change it, and that will power, that passion to change it. I have lost that one, and now I am going where, I don’t know.

What I wanted?

I never wanted to be famous, I never wanted to be accepted loved by all.

I wanted only her to love me, to accept me. I only wanted her to be happy and I did it, and she did it too, but things changed, not according to me, and I don’t know about her liking, if she wanted this turns out of event or not, but now we are far far apart, and I don’t know, if ever I will meet her again, if ever I will talk to her again.

I just want to go away from every body, I just wish to live alone, from all crowd, from people. do i hate people, but then why I like to be alone?, why intermingling with people doesn’t suit me?
It seems, I am used to live in distress, I am used to live in past, I am used to live in regret.

Happiness has left me long ago, then apathy, then sorrow, then anger took place inside my heart and now my heart is filled with only aversion now.

I don’t know, if I like being what I have become or not. But this is, the bitter truth, the cruel reality, and I can’t help it.

I have tried to get over it, I have tried to full fill the void by doing sketching, more and more and once my room was filled with her sketches, then paining, more n more, but it didn’t help me at all, then I left and started drinking, more n more, it was like, I was taking revenge, from who, from her, by destroying myself, it seemed so right to me and I can’t help it.

Here I am, a negative, fed up spoilt brat, having social, mental, physical and whatever issues I still don’t know.

I daily take a bow, to change myself, but day spends, and I start the same, drinking, heavy drinking, but it doesn’t help me to erase my memories, it just put them away from me for a while. And when I come back to my senses, everything returns the same. My life has become horrible, I have become terrible, something is not right, and no one can change it.

It is as usual Sunday, and whole day I am in my room, I didn’t go to mess to have breakfast, to have lunch and it seems, I am going to miss the dinner too. i am sick of myself, I am sick of my behavior.

Who I am punishing and why I don’t know. I need a break, I need a break from all this, I need a break from all this happening, and I broke the RC Bottle on the floor. But where I will go, they will haunt me, I wanted peace of my mind.

I cried, I grunted, I shouted.

Oh! God, what I have become?

I opened my laptop and opened my FB account which I have deactivated from very a long time, and suppress the urge to see her fb profile and her status.

The simple solution is unfriend her, but some how I don’t have the courage to do it, and she also didn’t unfriend me.

I saw updates of people, moving to new places, changing their Job, visiting new place, being committed, marrying, buying cars, mobile and all silly things they can post.

And what I have to post, nothing, a sudden blank, I don’t have anything new to announce the world about it, the way people do it.

Only hate, anger and all bad thoughts in my mind, and I know, I can’t post them. people will find me insane, my family member, who I have to add reluctantly, even I don’t want to add them, will be worried about me, and it is the last thing I wanted to do, to make my family worried about me.

Still I am not that bad, still I give a thought about my family, I smiled.

I wanted to do something hard, I have done earlier, I have gone to hill station in very bad weather, I don’t know, what was that time in my mind, whether, I wanted to die or something, I don’t know, and I survived that one, and came back.

I have done drinking, and now wanted something different to do, to get my thoughts away from me, some wild passion, some difficult task, to keep me occupied.

Religion, spirituality, I gave a thought to try them, and I did it, I read books, but I don’t feel them, I find them quite boring, I find them too preachy. I am a bad guy and I can’t help it any more.

In some way I find Lord Budhha fascinating, not because he achieved real knowledge, NIRVANA, but because he at some time in his life, also left everything, he was at some time also confused, he at some time was also sorrowful, it’s like running away from the world, in search of something, but what, no one knows, and I like to read about him more n more. I searched on Google and something came up.

It was a site called http://www.dhamma.org and it was all about a course Vipaasana meditation.

I reluctantly read it whole. The more I read, the more I wanted to do it. No because, I have developed some interest towards spirituality, but because it seems me tough, it seems me difficult, it seems me painful, and I like inflict, I like conflict, I like pain to the core of my heart and I am used to it now.

And I read the site:

It says:

What Vipassana is not:

It is not a rite or ritual based on blind faith.
It is neither an intellectual nor a philosophical entertainment.
It is not a rest cure, a holiday, or an opportunity for socializing.
It is not an escape from the trials and tribulations of everyday life.

What Vipassana is:

It is a technique that will eradicate suffering.
It is a method of mental purification which allows one to face life's tensions and problems in a calm, balanced way.
It is an art of living that one can use to make positive contributions to society.

Yes, I don’t believe in ritual or blind faith, somehow I wanted to get away from everything activities of life. I wanted to do something different.

It is something which I needed the most, but I don’t have faith literally, that something in ten days can change me back, but I decided to give it a try.

I read further.

The Code of Discipline

The foundation of the practice is sīla — moral conduct. Sīla provides a basis for the development of samādhi — concentration of mind; and purification of the mind is achieved through paññā — the wisdom of insight.

The Precepts

All who attend a Vipassana course must conscientiously undertake the following five precepts for the duration of the course:

to abstain from killing any being;
to abstain from stealing;
to abstain from all sexual activity;
to abstain from telling lies;
to abstain from all intoxicants.

There are three additional precepts which old students (that is, those who have completed a course with S.N. Goenka or one of his assistant teachers) are expected to follow during the course:

to abstain from eating after midday;
to abstain from sensual entertainment and bodily decorations;
to abstain from using high or luxurious beds.

Old students will observe the sixth precept by having tea without milk or fruit juice at the 5 p.m. break, whereas new student may have tea with milk and some fruit. The teacher may excuse an old student from observing this precept for health reasons. The seventh and eighth precept will be observed by all.

The five precepts seems little bit difficult in reading, I don’t know how difficult it is to follow them. Let it give a try, I know I have failed at lot of things, what if, I don’t do them good, I thought and one still intrigues me, not telling lie, how people practice it, I wondered, in this world, telling truth always, is it possible?

I scrolled down the webpage:

To be continued……!

Rest of the posts are in the links below:

Vipaasna meditation- part-II

Vipaasna meditation- part-III

Vipaasna meditation- part-IV