lost soul 2

Monday, 22 September 2014

Prologue Part-II

U can read previous post of the prologue is in this link:
http://imlostsoul.blogspot.in/2012/08/prologue_24.html
 



Am i responsible for all of this?
am i?
i don’t know. only thing i know is i am feeling weakness, and slow pain on my left hand, which increases suddenly and sends a sharp shot of pain to mind and then automatically slows down. it’s like some one is banging on my head continuously and i am hardly making myself awake.
then a nurse come with another packet of blood in his hand and she changes nearly empty packet with new one.
have i done wrong?
i don’t know.
doctor asks me again.
how u feeling right now Vijay?
i am silent. i am staring his face, trying to configure,when and where we have met each other earlier.
i didn’t answer his question.
yes, i have met him once, in the OPD, with her, when she was ill, her stomach was upset and doctor has prescribed some medicine.
      
She came in my thoughts and everything got re winded just in a fraction of second. just in a fraction of second, and all i can remember, each and everything associated with her.
i got answers of all my burning questions and the night, two days before flashes in front of me, just like slides of  photos.
     
I understand, why my parents has come here in so hurry and why they are so worried about me. why my mother is crying so much. why my father is angry. why he has pity on me. why his face shows so much concern.
     I am responsible for all this. yes, i am responsible for their grief and sorrow. they don’t deserve a son like me. they deserve a son, who would make them proud, who would excel in his  life and here, they have a unsuccessful, defeated, and coward person as their son.
     
I am defeated from my life. 
i am unsuccessful in my duties. 
i am coward, who wanted to kill his life.
i see their faces and for one second, i repented, they don’t deserve to suffer for me, they shouldn’t had to come for me.
     
who called them and why?
     
it’s my life and i am alone responsible for all the disaster,which i am creating in my life.
Their face, sunk in grief, and i repent, i shouldn’t destroy my life, as their life is also connected with mine, i am not alone and free to do, what i want to.
this feeling evaporates so soon and i am stuck in my memories, my past and my present.
Door bell rings and my father goes out and he comes and asks me, your friends want to meet you. 
and i deny, i shout,“no i don’t want to meet anyone. i  want to be alone”.
He is stunned. he is not able to tell a single word.
perhaps, people on the other side of door hear me and then no one came. i takes a breath of relief.
     
doctor request my parents to go outside. he sits on the table,where my mother was sitting just minutes before. he stares me continuously. may be he is going to give a long lecture. he clears his throats. i am also staring him back. i should be ashamed, but i am shameless. i should be feared,but i am fearless.
he asks me: 
are you the same vijay, i met first time? 
i want to tell him, that the vijay,he knew, has died long time ago and i am not him, i am changed,she is changed,and so is my world.
i keep quiet.
what he want to hear as my reply. i remain silent.
he gets irritated and trying to retain his composure.
“do you know, how much destruction you have done to your body, your mind and your soul?” 
i nodded yes.
why you tried to kill yourself?
i am confused. 
i have guessed, he is going to give a lecture, but he is putting questions and questions and question, who i cant answer, or i don’t have their reply.
he tells again, you have damaged your liver so much, you have damaged your stomach so much, you have damaged your lungs so much. you have just saved from a major blood loss. you are just saved.

i want to shout at him, why you saved me, have i asked you to do. but i am staring him.

he picks up report of various tests and shows them to me, what i supposed to do with them, dispose them in trash, or burn them to ashes,as your wish.
he reads LFT test, he reads blood test, he reads test, their name i even feel difficult to pronounce.
     
i smile, test, so difficult to pronounce and he sees me, he becomes silent, he has seen me smiling. his face shows irritation and anger.
      
what i supposed to do. i am confused.
he put them on the table, almost occupied with medicines, saline bottle, syrenze, and blood pressure machine.
he tells, have u any idea, how much bad your parents feeling, due to your  this foolishness.
running away from life, such a cowardly decision, shame on you....it hurts to see a younger person like you, taking such steps.
      
i feels, he is right. but  do he know, she hurted  more than i have done with myself.
     
 i hope u will not attempt it again.
     
 i am speechless, staring blankly to the wall.
     
 he goes out of my room. and i am alone.
     
 i am laughing on myself,i am laughing on my foolishness, i am laughing on the situation.
i am laughing on how many reason, i don’t know even.
then i feel sad. i feel so sad.
i want to go away, i want to run away from the bed, from the room, from the hospital. i am feeling fear. i am tensed. i want to go to some other place,where i don’t know. just let me go away from here, from medicine, from blood, from doctor, from my parents, from every thing. to some where, i would be unknown to every one.
      
but before going away from here, i want to know, does she know, where i am?
     
 but before going away from here, i want to know, does she know, how i am?
     
 but before going way from here, i want to know, have she changed her mind?
     
 but before going away from here, i want to see her once.
     
 i call my parents and they come fast, they are worried.
 i ask my father, if she came to see me?
 he asks, who?
 i say, she,jyothi.
 he says, only boys came to see you, no girl was there.
 i feel dumb headed.
 she didn’t come to see me, even i was about to die.
 would she come, if i would have died.
 no,she wouldn’t.
 she wud be.
 no, she wudn’t.
why she should come?
to see me, how i am doing?
i knew, she will never come again.
she will never come again. 
 but................!!!!!



Note: There is a long story to tell...it would take minimum of 200 blog post to complete the whole story,a love story of Vijay and Jyothi...not all love stories end in the happiness and bliss...some may turn into disaster..like some one  may end up like the Vijay of this story....is the hopelessness, despair, and failure is the ultimate end??...does life  stops progressing? or it will find a way to move ahead...! will Vijay move on and get finally peace of his mind ??? many more chapter to come....!
thanx for reading..! and waiting for your valuable comments...!



Note:previous part of the prologue is in this link:
http://imlostsoul.blogspot.in/2012/08/prologue_24.html

Disclaimer:This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

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An idealist, a perfectionist... perhaps i am rebel, or don't fit in the materialistic thoughts and norms of the world, i don't see the reason, why ppl are fighting, why everyone is not at peace??
I m keen lover of art, Love sketching, experimenting in photography, sometime i get swayed to follow my passion for art for full time, but  then...still i have to make arrangements for my livelihood.

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